blinkstar.gif (494 bytes) Amy Waller

On March the 6th, I was hit by a drunk driver on the way home from a night out with friends. My last memory before the car hit was saying, "I wasn't going to come out tonight, but I'm really glad I did." When I said this I was admitting something that I would not normally share aloud. What I was saying is that there was some force pulling me out into the world that night, instead of staying home and going to sleep. I had to argue with myself whether to go "out" or be in "the very place that I needed to be in at that time." I lost my best friend Aaron, and his birthday was on the 7th of March.

 

I was not looking forward to the weekend, but on the drive back to my car, I knew that I would not be driving home in my car back to my house. I just knew it. I can remember when I said, "I'm really glad I did." I felt like I was unlocking a key to something so much larger than I could possibly imagine. I felt a slide, but cannot remember any impact and was knocked out instantly. My friend Alicia was the driver. She is a mortician and had also seen Aaron dead. This unfortunate connection to his death had brought uneasiness at first, but a realistic comfort that I am going to die. She was calling to me and she thought I was dead so she panicked and jumped out of the car.

I do not have any memories of this, of course, but I do have memories to fill this entire time. I felt like I was entirely separate from my body. I felt confused, because at first I felt like I was in my subconscious thoughts and they were going around on a big wheel and I could not place where I was.

I began seeing people - no names - and what looked like a city. I seemed to know that it was Baltimore. I saw my friend Nat asleep in a couch grayish and white in color. He was not talking to me, but I was staring at him asleep and thinking to myself, "Oh, there is Nat," and was extremely comforted by seeing someone familiar.

 

Everything was a dark navy blue, and black and lines like I was under an ocean, yet there was no up or down or sides. I heard Aaron's voice from behind my eyeballs, I could not see his body, or my body, only a presence. He said, "Hey! Amy" and I was so happy to be talking to him that I said "Hey" and he said, "you have to go back, and go back Amy."

 

He kept saying my name, which caught my attention, and then he pointed or lead me to where I should go to get back. Then he was gone. The peaceful feeling that I had seeing Nat and talking to Aaron was instantly gone. It switched to intense panic and urgency.

 

Every second I was trying to fight back to the top of this ocean. It seemed so difficult like I was drowning, but It felt like thousands of giant wheels or spheres and I wanted to catch one back but I did not know which direction to go.

 

At last I came too. I knew exactly where I was. I knew that I was in a car accident - as if I had known it my entire life that I was going to be in an accident at this very moment. I was so happy to be back and out of that world. I was at complete peace, and was not in panic in the least.

Alicia was running around the car yelling, "The car is going to catch on fire because the smoke was coming out of the airbags." And I remember thinking, "No, it is not you idiot." Which was very weird thought to think because how did I know it was not going to?

On the way to the hospital I felt so happy having talked to Aaron. It was so tangible and vivid even as I am writing it nearly two months later. I told Alicia about everything that I had seen, about hearing Aaron and seeing Nat asleep.

 

In the hospital my friend Jason came to visit. He said that he told everyone about the accident, and Nat began pacing around the room saying "that is so weird, I had a dream she died." I was in shock because Nat was the only identifiable person from my experience besides Aaron's voice and presence. I asked Nat about his dream. He said that he was at work and called my friend Corey's house. He said that everyone was sitting around in the living room talking about me and moping because I had died. Then he got a call from work and had to go back.

 

The next day was Aaron's birthday, his brother's wife gave birth to their first son, who they named Aaron he sustained a broken collarbone, coming out of the womb, as did I. My lung also collapsed and there was small scratch on my liver and glass bits all over my bloody face. I am happy being alive and unafraid of death.

 

Amy Waller    go_away_amy@hotmail.com

"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come." - Rabindranath Tagore

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