On March the 6th, I was hit by a
drunk driver on the way home from a night out with friends. My last memory
before the car hit was saying, "I wasn't going to come out tonight, but I'm
really glad I did." When I said this I was admitting something that I would
not normally share aloud. What I was saying is that there was some force
pulling me out into the world that night, instead of staying home and going
to sleep. I had to argue with myself whether to go "out" or be in "the very
place that I needed to be in at that time." I lost my best friend Aaron, and
his birthday was on the 7th of March.
I was not
looking forward to the weekend, but on the drive back to my car, I knew that
I would not be driving home in my car back to my house. I just knew it. I
can remember when I said, "I'm really glad I did." I felt like I was
unlocking a key to something so much larger than I could possibly imagine. I
felt a slide, but cannot remember any impact and was knocked out instantly.
My friend Alicia was the driver. She is a mortician and had also seen Aaron
dead. This unfortunate connection to his death had brought uneasiness at
first, but a realistic comfort that I am going to die. She was calling to me
and she thought I was dead so she panicked and jumped out of the car.
I do not have any memories of this, of course, but I do have memories to
fill this entire time. I felt like I was entirely separate from my body. I
felt confused, because at first I felt like I was in my subconscious
thoughts and they were going around on a big wheel and I could not place
where I was.
I began seeing people - no names - and what looked like a city. I seemed to
know that it was Baltimore. I saw my friend Nat asleep in a couch grayish
and white in color. He was not talking to me, but I was staring at him
asleep and thinking to myself, "Oh, there is Nat," and was extremely
comforted by seeing someone familiar.
a dark navy blue, and black and lines like I was under an ocean, yet there
was no up or down or sides. I heard Aaron's voice from behind my eyeballs, I
could not see his body, or my body, only a presence. He said, "Hey! Amy" and
I was so happy to be talking to him that I said "Hey" and he said, "you have
to go back, and go back Amy."
He kept saying
my name, which caught my attention, and then he pointed or lead me to where
I should go to get back. Then he was gone. The peaceful feeling that I had
seeing Nat and talking to Aaron was instantly gone. It switched to intense
panic and urgency.
Every second I
was trying to fight back to the top of this ocean. It seemed so difficult
like I was drowning, but It felt like thousands of giant wheels or spheres
and I wanted to catch one back but I did not know which direction to go.
At last I came
too. I knew exactly where I was. I knew that I was in a car accident - as if
I had known it my entire life that I was going to be in an accident at this
very moment. I was so happy to be back and out of that world. I was at
complete peace, and was not in panic in the least.
Alicia was running around the car yelling, "The car is going to catch on
fire because the smoke was coming out of the airbags." And I remember
thinking, "No, it is not you idiot." Which was very weird thought to think
because how did I know it was not going to?
On the way to the hospital I felt so happy having talked to Aaron. It was so
tangible and vivid even as I am writing it nearly two months later. I told
Alicia about everything that I had seen, about hearing Aaron and seeing Nat
In the hospital
my friend Jason came to visit. He said that he told everyone about the
accident, and Nat began pacing around the room saying "that is so weird, I
had a dream she died." I was in shock because Nat was the only identifiable
person from my experience besides Aaron's voice and presence. I asked Nat
about his dream. He said that he was at work and called my friend Corey's
house. He said that everyone was sitting around in the living room talking
about me and moping because I had died. Then he got a call from work and had
to go back.
The next day was Aaron's birthday, his
brother's wife gave birth to their first son, who they named Aaron he sustained
a broken collarbone, coming out of the womb, as did I. My lung also collapsed
and there was small scratch on my liver and glass bits all over my bloody face.
I am happy being alive and unafraid of death.
is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because the dawn has