blinkstar.gif (494 bytes) Macam

Twin Towers terrorist attackMy near-death experience occurred four years ago. I'm not going to tell you how I got to the other side because I don't want that slant to influence what happened. Just know that I wasn't sick and I had absolutely no input into what happened. This goes past the neat light and good feeling stuff.

Once I realized just where I was, and how alone I was, the process of accountability started. One by one, events and actions in my life were put before me. Events that shaped who I became. My identity. My personality. Values, dreams and disappointments. Everything.

For example, I was raised with a brother. Mean. Mean. Mean. The kind of stuff that when he was 6, he was caught red-handed doing something, he looked my dad straight in the eye and called Dad the liar and he never backed down from calling dad a liar. This never ended but only got worse as Mom and Dad tried to deal with him. I, as his favorite "toy", began to see life quite differently. This complete refusal of my brother's to take any responsibility for any of his own actions formed in me a strong sense that everybody should and will take responsibility for what they do, no matter what.

After going through the whole building process of my identity and I understood how I became who I was, God began taking my personality apart one facet at a time. My sense of right and wrong was very strong. As was fairness. Challenges to succeed, self-worth, etc., every tiny to the biggest facet of "me", was taken away. Oh, how horrid this emptying time was. Piece by piece, every facet of me was shown to me and then God put the truth of all my actions and thoughts for me to see until nothing of me was left but my soul. Bare naked soul. Excuses and reasons mean nothing. Our actions alone are dealt with and God makes sure we see our actions without any of the human reasoning here.

This is where the accountability really began. All God was interested in was making sure I realized that whatever events that occur here are only superficial in the scope of His truth. He's not interested in hearing about how bad or unfair things here are. He already knows and has basically labeled it irrelevant.

By realizing that my value foundation was solid regardless what happens here, I'm free now to deal with facets of my soul's values still to be established. This is why we're here. To keep working on getting our soul's values learned and established. I had basically stopped working on my own soul's needs.

Nobody can adapt another's soul to satisfy their own. My soul has its responsibility values established. When it's time, my brother will go through the same process of having his identity peeled away, and his soul will establish the need of taking responsibility for his actions. If he isn't willing to work on establishing that value here now where values are learned, there is nothing I can do about it. Only he can establish values in his life and soul, but these values aren't fully established as long as we have the option of excuses and human reasoning.

Then God began taking me through actions. Actions like, when I did this or that, here was the result. Results that I had no idea about. Great big results and tiny ones, too. God doesn't focus on our reasons for doing something that hurts or helps another. He makes us see how we hurt another, even if we were never aware of the harm at all. How our actions do have re-actions on others. Our actions can and do form around us in the people in our lives. And there is truth to the saying: What you send around comes around.

All I am to do is deal with life as it's dealt to me. What I perceive as bad or horrid is in direct relation to the values established within my own soul. I was a long time coming to the realization that if racist cops and terrorists and others really knew the effect they had on others and what's in store for them upon death, they wouldn't be doing it. That they would be working like heck to achieve awareness, accountability and change here.

The terrorists can hijack all the planes they want, kill themselves and as many people as they can take with them, the result is still the same. Any planned, rehearsed, and justifiable excuse they rehearse or worship or whatever it is they do means nothing at death. God won't tolerate it and has no use for it. They are held accountable for their actions only. They will see the result of their actions on others. This is their bare soul we see all over the news. Am I sorry or have pity for racists, evil brothers, terrorists, or the ego-power tyrants of the world? I know what's in store for them at death. And that does give me a sorrowful heart.

Every tear we cause; every drop of blood spilled; every racist action or thought, every smile, every moment of peace, absolutely every action we do here is kept by God for us to acknowledge and face when we're done with this place. And we don't get out of it and we don't get to justify our actions. We don't get to keep reasons, excuses, ideals, trickery or error in judgment either. God slices right through the bull and goes right to the core of the matter. Your actions speak for who you are. This is your soul and no amount of gilded tongue persuasive speaking changes that. This is what He makes us deal with on the other side.

This part of death was bad and more than once I was just wanting to bypass this part and just go to hell to stop seeing myself so totally exposed like that. But my awareness of self and growth in general has soared to heights I can't even begin to explain. This part was bad, but I wouldn't change or avoid a second of it for anything.

Living Finally

Macam
macam@wyoming.com 

"As each second passed there was more to learn, answers to questions, meanings and definitions, philosophies and reasons, histories, mysteries and so much more, all pouring into my mind. I remember thinking, 'I knew that, I know I did, where has it all been?'" - Virginia Rivers describing her near-death experience

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