Steve's Suicide Near-Death Experience 

Light manThis is an account of my own near-death experience which I am currently working on a book. Perhaps you may find some use for my experience. I wish to share it with the world. Thanks, Steve

As if everything in the preceding chapter wasn't enough, also due to this unexpected turn of events, for a period of time that in my best estimate was approximately 15 minutes I had traveled on the most incredible journey. I crossed over the threshold into the realm of the next life. And, in that time I once again became reacquainted with profound knowledge gained through an occurrence known as a near-death experience, or an NDE. Once back in this physical world there was an abrupt, inexplicable, and almost frightening change inside of me. My experience seemed to have opened up a whole new dimension within my mind leaving an indelible imprint of a completely different view and interpretation of life. This physical world in which we live and nearly everything in it was oh so different than before the incident. What was once alien to me had now become familiar and what was once familiar had become alien. But as wonderful as all that may sound it still presented yet another distressing problem that would cause even more confusion in the coming months. It isn't everyday that a person undergoes a single experience that abruptly changes a multitude of things in his or her life. And because of this abrupt change everything that I had learned to believe in or thought about life in terms of both physical and spiritual dimension had instantly been thrown into disarray. Now I think that just about everyone would agree, particularly those in the psych industry, that efficiently sorting through information and then processing it properly and effectively toward building an understanding requires a reasonably sound/healthy mind. A department that, because of serious injury, I was clearly at a deficit. Subsequently, in an unyielding effort to build that understanding it was some three years of laboring to get well before I could begin sorting through and piecing it all together. All the same, my journey was the ultimate excursion of a lifetime as I eventually came to realize.

To have actually crossed over the thin fine line that separates us from this reality and then return was an enlightening experience. Limitations in our human language have made it difficult for me to articulate certain aspects of my NDE. It was like returning from a foreign land - a place that no one in my circle of life has ever visited and then trying to explain to them what it's like. It seems that words can only scratch the surface when it comes to describing the awesome wonder. And, perhaps if I were to give it a try, the only possible way that I can think of to help anyone understand even the most basic wonder is to try to create a picture.

So, imagine for just a moment if you will a place void of any and all negativity. A place void of fear, famine, dread, hunger, greed, hate, anger, pain, racial and religious bigotry, jealousy, disease, pestilence, violence and all other possible forms of human suffering. A place of total bliss, overflowing with harmony where only complete unconditional love and understanding exists - one filled with such magnificent splendor, color, beauty and wonder that it escapes all human comprehension. A place that at first seems so foreign and almost frightening, yet as you continue begins to feel so familiar and wonderful - one where nothing is obscure or hidden. Infinite wisdom and knowledge abounds. Barriers or limitations of this physical world simply do not exist - one where there is no measure of time, no days passing, no seconds, minutes or hours ticking away on the clock. Everything is perfect and, everything makes perfect sense. A place that I have come to call "home."

Can you imagine such a place? Wow, I still get a rush just thinking about it. Even though it wasn't my intention to end up in this wonderful place, once I was there and aware of what was happening I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to come back to this world with all of its turmoil, but, that wasn't my choice to make. Against my strong desire to stay in this glorious place the message was conveyed to me that I couldn't. There was a problem with what we in this physical world consider the "ego" and it's unwillingness to let go, and, there was unfinished business here on Earth. I had more to experience -- more to accomplish -- more to teach my son -- more to learn from life itself, and, I had to set the record straight.

So, in an instant I found myself on another unimaginable excursion. I was shrouded in a layer of warmth like I had never known before -- a blanket of intense love -- and thrown into a vortex of beautiful colors swirling around me as I spiraled downward with incredible velocity when suddenly, bam! I was slammed with intense force back into my physical body. I can still remember the sudden jolt and the excruciating pain that I instantly felt throughout my entire body. I felt the precious blood of life surging through my head and that first gasp of precious air as I struggled to breathe through the tube that had been inserted into my esophageal airway.

This was all quite puzzling to me afterwards though, how I was able to vividly recall my experience and other details before and immediately following the incident, but have such a tremendous problem storing away new information later. The only plausible explanation that I have been able to come up with from extensive research on my own has been cerebral anoxia, which was later complicated by PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome). At any rate life's mission wasn't fulfilled yet and I was afforded the opportunity to come back to this world in order to carry out my life's purpose. And as a part of that purpose I have to clear up any and all misconceptions on this situation being an attempted suicide. I readily admit on the other hand that in the wake of all the confusion in the aftermath compounded by the physical and emotional trauma sustained I did find myself yearning to return to that wonderful place. Even going so far at one point of hoping, wishing and praying that some sort of tragic incident or illness would come along and take me home. As strong as that desire might have been at times, through perseverance, the healing hands of time, the love of God, and my son, the longing to return has finally subsided. Even though the yearning has dissipated down to nearly nothing it still doesn't make life any easier and I make no apologies. I had a difficult time readapting to the realities and conformities of this world after being reacquainted with the Other Side. And, consequently due to that fact, as hard as it may have been for number of people in my life to understand, once more I had to learn how to live and function in this world. In some ways I felt like a child living in adult body having to once again go through the process of growing up.

The entirety of this life altering experience has been rather bittersweet I have to say and, for the most part I'm glad it all happened. My life has expanded in so many wonderful ways despite falling from the good graces of people that I have loved and cherished. Besides, the past will always remain the past since it is impossible to turn back the hands of time or re-write history. It is all now just a part of my own life's experience, therefore it has become only one of life's memories. Oh, and incidentally speaking, the reality is, memories are an integral part of the Grand Design to this life, and they serve a great purpose.

I've heard it said before that experience is sometimes the best teacher. Well, I have to say that from a newly gained understanding of the term "experience," my near-death experience has been the ultimate teacher. So, at the risk of being harpooned with yet another label or two I feel a certain obligation to share the basic premise of my journey. But, before I actually share this information please let me clarify a few very important points. First of all let me say that I'm not out to influence anyone's thinking. That is not what I am about. However, I firmly believe that there are some who will understand, gather meaning, and possibly even identify with this information. On the flip side nevertheless, there will be those who don't and won't. Yet still, there will be those who may be open-minded enough that you find my experience rather thought provoking.

For those who do find meaning -- whether by the grace of God, the miracles of modern medicine or a combination of both you have made your own incredible journey. Or, merely by some transcendental experience that you are able to identify then you may have an idea of what I'm talking about. Life is simply a series of experiences generated largely by choices that we make and the collectively stored memories or data that result thereof. If you really stop and think about life in its most simple form, what do we actually do from day to day besides manufacture and collect memories or data? I mean let's face it, when our lives draw to a conclusion the most precious things that we leave behind are not the material treasures that we have amassed over our life span, our achievements or even our contributions to society. More important than any of those things we leave behind the effects that we have had on family members and loved ones, those who have wondered in and out of our lives, as well as individuals with whom we have crossed paths. We leave them with treasures far more precious than gold, silver or any other material possession; we leave them with memories and experience. And so, for those who don't get any of this, perhaps because of a belief system that you cling to so tightly that it won't allow you to think outside the parameters. Or, possibly you have lost sight of the big picture and become so conditioned to the ways of this physical world -- all I have to say is good for you. My advice, which may or may not hold water with you is hold on to your way of thinking because it's all just a part of your own unique experience, and I wouldn't dream of trying to change it. And, lastly, for those who I may have provoked into "thinking outside the box" as they say, I firmly believe that should a strong need come along and prompt you to make changes within your own belief system, you'll take whatever measures are necessary.

Another point that I would also like to make clear is that in no way am I claiming to be an authority on what happens when we leave this world. The only true authorities in my opinion are those who have crossed over the threshold only not to return to their current life's experience. What I will say with such strong conviction though, is that I had an experience that was, and still remains very real to me -- an experience that sometimes seems more real than this physical life itself. I crossed over the thin fine line that separates us from this world and came back. But, just because I went to the Other Side and then came back doesn't mean that I came back the same way I was born into this world -- blind. Once again, for those of you who have had your own experience I think you may know what I'm talking about. And for those who haven't, please allow me to reassure you that it's O.K. So please remain seated. Make sure your seat is locked in the upright position. Fasten your seatbelt and extinguish all smoking materials. We're in position for take-off, so here we go.

We carry our life's experience home from this world in the form of life data or memories, similar to that of a jet airliner which carries a flight data recorder, or a little black box as it is commonly known. As absurd as all of this may sound each and every one of us has on board our very own little black box. Even though we may be unaware of it, from the very moment that we are born into this world we begin forming, recording and storing memories or life data, right down to the smallest most intricate detail. There are however, two forms of memory. Our physical memory -- which is basically subjective and at times can even faulty -- that was designed to aid us in our every day life. And, we have internal memory -- which is absolute, unalterable and never faulty --- that records all of the information from our life's experience as it actually happens. And I might add that it does so in detail and from many different emotional perspectives. There are also corresponding energies that are basically attached to these memories or data that are either positive, negative or, in some cases neutral. This is a bit difficult for me to explain since there are some portions that I am unable to put into words, but I will do my best to give you the basic premise.

There is a Grand Design to this world and to this life and a part of the design begins with an act of free will on what is dramatically emphasized as "the Other Side." Simply put, being born into this physical world is actually a choice that we make on the Other Side. In reality, we choose to come to this world and when we make this choice it is to experience many of the things that do not exist back home. If you remember correctly how I made mention earlier of a place where everything is perfect, a place on the Other Side that I call "home." Back home, since everything is perfect, so are we to varying degrees -- which doesn't necessarily mean that we are in any way imperfect -- we are all merely perfect on different levels. So therefore, in order to enrich our highest form of energy -- or our souls -- and grow to be more perfect, or in other words, to mature to a higher level of perfection we must first experience many facets of imperfection. The only way for us to accomplish this feat however is by gaining knowledge of what it is like to be imperfect and all of the various aspects involved.

Now, in this case, the only means of experiencing imperfection is to choose to incarnate and come to an imperfect world. And, contrary to my own previous knowledge that we only have one shot in this world, I know now that we may opt to do this many times. Time and again we choose to visit a living mechanical world that was designed and created imperfect purposely for the evolution of the soul, essence, spirit energy or whatever term you prefer. In a paradoxical sort of way you could say that anger, hatred, greed, jealousy as well as all other forms of human suffering were designed to exist in this world exclusively for our benefit because they do not exist back home. Physical life is nothing more than an experience of a multitude of things that do not exist on the other side simply for the evolution and maturation of the soul. In essence, life is a learning and growing experience.

Now, taking this into account, and since there is a Grand Design to this life, love is one of the grand element that is perfect and, in every sense of the word, intrinsic to all of creation. Love is not just a word, nor is it just a feeling or an emotion, nor is it a state of being. Love is a part of our very existence. So when we choose to come to this world we are girded in the very core of our existence, love, in order to help in our struggles to endure such an imperfect place. As we sojourn this world time and again we will unavoidably encounter designated hardship, adversity and moments of despair that will perhaps leave us feeling as though we have failed or wronged God, ourselves or another. Or we may even feel lost, abandoned, mistreated or betrayed by others. It is in these times however, when things may seem a bit hopeless you may rest assured that the love never fails. The love of ONE never fails and we are all an integral part of that ONE Love. In a mechanical world built to change, which is a part of the design for the evolution of experience -- a world consumed with growing hatred and violence -- one that may seem void of love -- at the conclusion of our experience our true home awaits. But first, we must cross a thin fine line -- one that many, including myself prior to May 12th 1998 fear out uncertainty. And that thin fine line we refer to as death is nothing more than another part of the Grand Design which was formulated for ending our experience so that we may begin our journey home with all of our life's data. Once we separate from this physical world -- while carrying our life' data -- we then embark on our journey back.

There are sort of what I consider "transitional phases" involved, and the first for me is what I call the realizing that I was no longer living in the physical phase. In the initial process, I was not completely aware that I was separated from this physical world yet and I was still relatively vulnerable to all of the conformities of my physical life. All of the knowledge that I had gained, along with all of the emotional energies and attachments that I had accumulated over my life span, both positive and negative, remained with me and they kept me tied to this world. This initial phase was a bit terrifying at first since everything around me seemed so strange and unfamiliar.

Nonetheless, my first thoughts of the place where I landed after being sucked through a long dark tunnel was that this is either one hell of a lucid dream, or this is in fact hell. But then it occurred to me that this can't possibly be a dream. For a brief moment just before being sucked through the tunnel I saw what I had always recognized to be me. My physical self clad in the usual blue robe with my significant other running around in hysterics. And there was this pungent odor of fecal matter lingering about in the air. Huh, I could smell. I couldn't recall ever being able to smell anything in a dream before, which was another indication that this wasn't just a dream.

Even so, as I entered into a lighted area, I could see a number of what appeared to me as mysteriously strange beings roaming about. Some laughing and giggling while others were weeping, moaning, groaning or making strange noises. I somehow gained the impression that most if not all of these beings were being taunted, either by themselves or by some sort of external force. I also heard the most extraordinarily spellbinding music. It was an unusual melody of some sort which was being played by an instrument that I have definitely never heard in my present life. While in the midst of what I interpreted as hellish-like surroundings I suddenly found myself in the company of a number of what I quickly distinguished as higher energy forms. These magnificent forms of energy were very different from the ones that I encountered initially. They were so bright and illuminating in contrast to the others, which had more of a drab physical appearance with distorted human facial features. I tried to keep my attention focused on these higher energy forms because of the love, power and warmth that emanated from them. The others seemed cold and frightening. But, knowing that the others were there made it difficult not to occasionally glance in their direction.

I noticed that there was one of the higher energies that seemed to stand out above the rest, this particular one felt more powerful. Not only was he/she larger in size, but also the love and warmth that I felt from this one was on a much grander scale. That's right, I felt, and wow did I feel. I had never felt so alive yet felt so out of place. All of their radiance combined penetrated me in such a way that I am unable to describe. It was pure bliss. And as that was happening, I began feeling quite warm and comfortable in their presence. Almost immediately a deep sense of security came over me which in turn allowed me to relax and become more receptive to them. They turned away from me and began slowly walking and, somehow, I knew that I was supposed to follow.

We were surrounded by darkness with only shimmers of what looked like distant torch lights; but the shimmers of light were of no comparison to the glow of these magnificent energies. Their radiance lit the way as they led me down what appeared as a sandy beach with dark murky waters that would occasionally splash up on shore. They abruptly stopped and the higher energy approached me, then spoke, but not in words. I suddenly realized that I was no longer in my physical body. My senses seemed to all be intact, but there wasn't anything for me to touch. I could smell, but I wasn't breathing -- there was no need for air. I could hear, but there were no audible sounds or words being spoken. I perceived myself as having had some sort of form or body, but I couldn't feel anything tangible -- skin, hair, nor anything else like we are able to feel while in physical form. There was only my truest, but not yet purest, form of conscious energy. And I was seeing and experiencing all of this through my conscious energy's eye.

Realizing all of this wasn't really that frightening because everything was beginning to feel so familiar and wonderful. Even though I was caught up in the moment of realizing that I was no longer in physical form, I was still able to interpret the message that the higher energy was conveying to me. He/she must have been sensing that I was frightened of the others, so the message that I received was that I shouldn't be frightened of them. They didn't pose a threat to me. They, like myself, had departed from our physical world or the other side. But, because of their ignorance in refusing to forfeit their negative emotional and physical energies and attachments to the world they were not permitted to continue beyond this point. In other words, by use of their own free will they refused to break the chains that bound them to this world. And consequently due to that they had to remain in this place that some refer to as "hell" until they came to terms with whatever it was that was holding them back and then agreed to let go of it. Perhaps I should explain in more detail.

Everything in our world as well as everything on the Other Side is in essence a form of what we term "energy." Even inanimate objects in our world hold their own form of energy, just on different levels of vibration. And since energy is required for virtually everything to exist in our world, we therefore invest portions of our own personal energy in our feelings and emotions. It actually requires a great deal of our own personal energy for hate, anger, self-centeredness, obsessions and so on. It also requires a great deal of our energy for physical and or psychological addictions and attachments that are associated with these maladies. Now, if these negative energies aren't dealt with appropriately before departing from this physical world, then the negative energies, like our positive, remain with us on our journey home. Before reaching our final destination, however, both the positive and the negative must first be reviewed, dealt with appropriately, the knowledge or lesson extracted, and then the negative energy itself must be released and expelled. Only the purest most positive form of energy is allowed to continue. If for any reason an essence refuses to give up something that is negative or isn't permitted back home, then they can't "pass go and collect $200." There is a myth that has been circulating for centuries -- and just for the record, I used to be one who put stock in this myth -- that if we are not all good little people and follow God's word and seek salvation, then in the afterlife he will condemn us to eternal hellfire and damnation. Contrary to this very popular belief, it isn't a wonderful and loving God that condemns us by any means, but rather by the use of our own free will that we choose to -- in a sense -- condemn ourselves. Free will is a very important and necessary element that we will always possess no matter which side of the fence we are on.

The next phase for me, nonetheless, is what I refer to as the reflection and reorientation phase. In this phase the darkness quickly disappeared and there before me was the most beautiful ocean of many different colors swirling about as the tide rushed up on shore. The sky also seemed to swirl about with many different colors that were beautiful beyond all my imagination. And it was here that I would reveal all of my life's data that I had bought with me. Every aspect of every experience that had occurred from the moment I was born until the moment I departed from the world was made visual before me and it was done so in a reflective manner. And adding to the awesome effect that in our linear time spanned nearly four decades were the emotional view points of all who were involved in every single instance of my life. It was all so very clear: I was my own critic, my own evaluator.

There were many visions where I felt joy and happiness for having touched someone's life in a positive way -- helped a person in need -- raised a lowly spirit --- turned a frown into a smile -- made someone laugh when they felt like crying. But interlaced with the positive were also many moments where I was utterly grief stricken, feeling shame and sorrow for the negative impact that I had on other lives. I had caused so much unnecessary pain, conflict and strife, and as much as I wanted to. There was no changing what was already done. I saw everything through their eyes. I felt their pain and their emotions. I experienced their experience. And I became very critical because of it holding myself in contempt for having done such horrible things. Part of me wanted to run and hide, but I couldn't. There was no escape. While a higher part felt compelled to continue and learn from it all -- I somehow knew that it was for the best.

But as the grand finale rolled in front of me (there are no words to describe how I felt near the end when the reflection began to grow dim), as the image began to grow dim, I saw before me the lifeless body of a man whose existence had drawn to a conclusion with a consciousness filled with anger, resentment and bitterness because of everything that had transpired just shortly before his departure. And that man in the mirror was a reflection of me.

In contrast to the enormous amount of love or positive energy that I was carrying for my son, his mother and all of the other close people in my life, I was also carrying all of the negative energy that I had invested in the situation just shortly before my departure. And because I was still vulnerable to the world both the love and the anger continued to grow. The anger was intense and continued growing toward myself because of the stigma that I personally would be placing on one very special person, my son. And it would all happen as a result of my own actions. Since this was just the second stage, I was still very much connected to this physical world through my emotional ties, which were predominately to my son and his mother.

All of this seemed to take place in an instant, but at the same time it seemed like it lasted for hours or even days. Perception of time is so different in a place where there is no measure of time.

And while all of this was taking place my consciousness was regaining knowledge that had always been there, just not readily accessible. It almost felt like an awakening -- a waking up to a higher level of awareness that had been asleep or dormant for what seemed like a long, yet short period of time. At the conclusion of my reflection and reorientation, the larger energy form asked -- but again not in words -- if I was willing to release all of the negative baggage I was carrying so that I could move on. And I agreed to. I wanted so desperately to stay in this wonderful and glorious place despite everything that I was carrying. I wanted be free from all of the oppressive negativity. I wanted to feel the love and not the hate. I wanted to feel peace and not anger, resentment and bitterness. But just because I wanted all of this, didn't mean that it was going to happen.

Remember how I said that nothing is hidden or concealed in this place? Nevertheless, since I agreed, the next phase of my journey was to cross what I have come to call the "cleansing waters of no return." This is where all of the collectively stored impurities were to be filtered from my conscious energy so that only the purest form of my energy could continue the journey home. Suddenly, everything in view began to cascade around me, almost as if it was melting, and I was immediately swept away into the warm beautiful waters as they enveloped me. At first I felt apprehensive because I knew that beyond this point there was no turning back. In the twinkling of an eye, however, the fear was gone and all I felt was complete peace, serenity, and most of all, the tranquility of pure unconditional love.

I was swirling about basking in its entire splendor preparing to return home when all of a sudden I was told that I couldn't continue. I was receiving two separate messages at that point: the ego's unwillingness to let go and my life on Earth wasn't finished yet. At that precise moment, I felt it all come rushing back -- all of the negativity. I couldn't let go of the anger that I had been harboring towards myself over being separated from my son before he knew the truth. My son had chosen me as his father and I had ultimately let him down. I was still carrying an enormous amount of anger because my departing from the world in the manner in which I did would unjustly be ruled a suicide. And that conclusion would inevitably alter my son's own experience. Furthermore, to complicate matters was the involvement of the anger that had brought me there in the first place. It felt like a double edge sword cutting me with both sides. The anger was cutting me over the legacy that I would be leaving my son, in contrast to the intense love that bonded me to him. He would ultimately struggle with this, and it would only cause him a great deal of pain. A pain that he would have to endure the rest of his physical life. And sadly, it was all because of my own doing. Again, I remind you that nothing is hidden in this place. Thus, against my strong desire to stay in the illustrious place I was told that I couldn't, my conflicting emotional energies and ties to the world were too strong, and I had more to do.

That's how and why I found myself back among the "living," which after my experience I consider a contradiction of terms. Personally, I don't believe it was purely by coincidence that after much painstaking deliberation my former significant other finally chose to attempt to save my life. Nor do I believe that the paramedics were able to arrive just in the nick of time to revive me. I do however, believe very strongly that it was by God's loving Grace that the Almighty enabled everything to happen just the way that it did.

One of the most important things that I have learned from my experience is that there are no accidents. Everything happens for a reason. Besides, the alterative was that if I hadn't found myself back in this world -- as emotionally attached as I am to my son -- I would have been roaming about in that hellish place or some of the other dimensions between here and there. Just like the others that I had encountered in the initial phase who were also bound to this world by their own emotional and physical ties.

Since my untimely journey to the Other Side I have encountered numerous people who were so steadfast in their beliefs about life and the afterlife that they seemed to consider my experience outside the logical mind's thinking. All the same, my own knowledge and experience has as much value, and has brought just as much meaning to my life as theirs has to them.

In conversations with friends, acquaintances, and not so friendly people, regarding my experience, there have been two basic reactions. There were only a few who seemed to have been a little more open-minded and accepting. While on the other hand the majority seemed to take on a more fixed, non-accepting attitude usually saying something along the lines as I remember one man's bitter words, "I've heard enough! You're gonna burn in hell for believing that crap!"

Needless to say, the more judgmental people wanted very little if anything to do with me afterwards. But that's O.K. To each his own I say. It's all just a part of their own experience and they are certainly entitled to their views and their beliefs just like everyone else experiencing life on this big blue marble -- as long as no one gets hurt that is.

Discussing my NDE has been quite a learning experience in and of itself -- learning about people and their prejudices -- such as those who were respectful enough as true friends to accept the changes that my NDE brought about, as opposed to those who blindly defined our friendship strictly according to their own beliefs and reality.

As controversial as this whole issue has been though, I am quite pleased to say that even if I could, I still don't think I would change a thing. And I'm happy to say that my experience was permanently embedded in my memory and has never faded. It still remains as wonderful and vivid today as it was in the moment, and I have learned to rely on it in times of difficulty in such a world of uncertainty.

I would like to take this opportunity to offer up a little piece of advice, if I may, and of course you can take it for whatever it is worth. If at all possible, I strongly petition you to make amends or settle your differences as best that you can. Whether they lie within you or with another it would be to an unselfish advantage to do so. My advice is, don't allow you or anyone else to rob you of precious energy that could otherwise be used in creating more positive experiences. By the use of one very powerful word you can eliminate a lot of negativity and, in doing so, perhaps change your whole experience and attitude toward life. I had learned in the earlier stages of my own life just how important it is to apply this one specific word on a daily basis. But, it wasn't until a couple of years after my NDE, when I was capable of thinking more clearly, that I was able to find a more practical, and deeper spiritual meaning.

Forgiveness has such tremendous healing powers and capabilities and when exercised properly is, in and of itself, a truly wonderful experience. All of the oppressive negative energies that we sometimes accumulate and store away because of our own life's experiences tends to drag us down. Also, replenishment and recovery is as easy as not only saying, "I forgive," but you must also feel it deep within the reflection of your soul as well. Usually, unbeknown to ourselves as we forgive and release all of the negative energy that we have invested in these emotionally challenging situations the healing process begins to work its magic the moment we make the choice. Granted, it may be a difficult task to forgive someone, or even one's own self for that matter because of all the emotional pain that may be involved.

Taking this into consideration I strongly suggest that you look deep within and summon the Love inside of you, and do your best to make it happen. You may want to remember one thing though: we live in a reciprocal world. And consequently, due to that fact, in certain situations involving reciprocal differences forgiving someone else doesn't necessarily mean that they, in turn, will be willing to forgive you. Ultimately, that is a choice that they and
they alone will have to make. You and only you have the power to choose to forgive -- no one else can do it for you -- and it only works when you choose to use it. And so, by affording yourself this unique -- design of the Great Divine favor -- it will help alleviate a lot of energy depleting emotional pain, and thus help make your life in the moment more fulfilling. And furthermore, in the scheme of things, as your present physical life draws to a conclusion, by ridding yourself of as much oppressive negative energy that you possibly can, it will help make your journey home a much less complicated.

Steve:  Bandybeabo1@aol.com

"The only thing that burns in hell is the part of you that won't let go of your life: your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away, but they're not punishing you, they're freeing your soul." Meister Eckhart

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