I love this quote so much that it was the inspiration for the title of my book Nothing Better Than Death. Ironically, it was while I was writing this book that my mother was killed instantly in a horrible car accident which almost killed my sister-in-law and left her and my twin brother severely injured.

Before she died, I had never before experienced the death of someone so close to me whom I loved so much. I was confident that when the day came for me to experience such a loss, the knowledge in my head which I obtained from NDE books would protect my heart from grief. But I was wrong. When it came to death, I was an expert on the Other Side. But when my mother died, I realized how retarded I was about death on this side of life.

For a long time, I would advise grieving mothers that they should try not grieve too much over their lost children because unnaturally excessive grief can hinder their child's progression on the Other Side. (I cringe every time I think about this because I gave this advice to a great number of people). Although I believe this advice to be correct, it wasn't until I experienced grief over my mother that I realized how cold and clinical such advice is. I viewed grief as the enemy - not death. I mistakenly believed that profound grief could be avoided by becoming properly educated in NDE research. And I assumed that those people who were already grieving over a loss just needed some of this education and that would be enough to help with their grief. 

But when my own mother died, I eventually learned how untrue this was. It was then that my real education about death began. It would end with me still believing that death is the best thing on earth. But now I knew that this is true only for those who have died. For surviving family and friends, death can be a living hell on earth. 

My delusions that NDE knowledge could protect people from grief vanished with my mother. It was an education on death and life which can't be learned in books. It can only be learned in the "School of Hard Knocks." My grief over the loss of my mother was a difficult journey of self-examination that began with extreme denial. Then my denial was eventually penetrated by painful reality checks that bombarded my mind. As my delusions became dispelled, reality and grief began to set in. Grief turned into depression. Depression turned into suicidal depression. But with the help of adjustments to my antidepressant regime and stays in the psych ward, I made it through and recovered. Then, one night my mother suddenly visited me in spirit in an experience called an after-death communication. It was my graduation present.

When the car accident on November 24, 2001, occurred and I learned that my mother died, I was more excited by the fact that she had made the ultimate transition than I was over the fact that she was gone. After all, everyone returns to Home to God when their time is ready. It was her time. She graduated. Even when my father broke the news to me that she was gone, I didn't really know at first how to react because my initial feeling was, "Wow, Mom's in heaven! That's great! She's with Jesus!" All those many wonderful hours that my mother and I spent watching near-death documentary videos together and now she actually made the transition herself! I was envious.

When our family gathered together to comfort one another, I was a little embarrassed about my mania. Mania is a very elevated, elated, and expansive mood that can lead to psychosis and serious hallucinations for a manic depressive such as myself. I was happy that I was happy about her death because it meant that I passed the test. I really do believe there is nothing better than death. I was not devastated by death! Not even the death of my own mother! After all, what was there to be devastated about? In my mind, my mother's death was the equivalent of her being freed from San Quentin prison after serving a lifetime of hard labor. And not only that, it was the equivalent of her being transported to Hawaii where I will someday soon join her. What is there to be devastated about that?

It wasn't very long before the mania subsided, the denial faded, and the full reality of losing my mother really meant began to sink in. Ultimately, my delusions of grandeur came crashing down like Satan falling like lightning from heaven and into a pit of emotional hell. The full magnitude of my loss began to sink painfully into my head and no amount of lithium was going to stop it. The reality checks entered my brain until the full realization came:

She is gone from this world forever. I am never going to see her in this world again. Life will never be the same without her. I will have to live without her for the rest of my life. Only death can reunite us. That may take a lifetime.

My illusions of there being nothing better in this world than death began to crack. Although I was already on many medications for depression, they did not prevent the coming depression, although it may have made it less severe. The loss of my mother triggered a chemical imbalance in my brain which led to depression. The sooner a person visits their doctor at the first signs of depression, the sooner they will get relief. In my case, because I have manic depression and was in danger of psychosis, I checked myself into the psych ward. Because of my mental illness, checking myself into a psych ward is something I had to do several times before in my life at this point.

At this point, I want to emphasize how critical it is to see a doctor at the first signs of depression. You will save yourself and your family a lot of pain and suffering. Unfortunately, many people are either not aware of the signs or decide to go untreated. Based on my own experience, the highest hurdle I ever had to get myself over was to admit there is something wrong with my mind, and to admit I needed to see a "shrink," and even to admit that I may needed to go to the psych ward. People with illnesses, such as cancer patients or heart patients, generally don't have this problem.

The signs of depression are not always obvious at first. But left untreated, these signs can get much worse. They are: profound sadness and hopelessness, sleep problems (too much or too little), loss of energy (you don't have the energy to even get out of bed), loss of concentration, loss of appetite, and loss of sex drive. In severe cases, there may be: suicidal thoughts, paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations. Seeking a doctor's help can literally be a lifesaver at this point.

Depression feels like slowly falling into a deep grave. You feel like there is no way out and no one can hear your cries for help. You can only focus on your hopeless situation of being in a grave. Utter darkness surrounds you and a profound sadness and confusion descends upon your brain like a thick fog. As time goes on, you feel like you are rotting away. Depression feels like the death of your spirit. You feel like an empty corpse - the living dead - and it feels like it's going to be this way forever. In this condition, life can really feel and become a hell on earth. Nobody understands what's happening to you - not even yourself. Nobody knows why you stay in bed all the time. Family and friends wonder why you don't snap out of it. You want to be resurrected from the grave you're in but you know it's not possible. And unless you get the proper medical treatment, things will only get worse. Bizarre and frightening things can begin to happen. You may start having unusual thoughts which you can't believe are your own - voices telling you bizarre things. If you believe in the devil, your reality may transform into a world of self-condemnation, self-judgment, self-loathing, and self-delusion. You may start seeing the devil everywhere and think he is out to get you. You may see frightening images in your mind that nobody else can see. You may realize that death really is a friend - but your only salvation. And without the proper medical treatment, suicide can be the result.

The unfortunate thing is that medications for depression don't work right away and it may take a month or so before the medicine begins to take effect. This is why it is best to seek help right away and don't wait.

When I left the psych ward, I was beginning to feel better than I had felt in months. My sobbing spells over my mother were becoming fewer and far between. I was learning how the pain of losing a loved one never really goes away - it just gets easier to carry. I was also beginning to think more in terms of her heavenly gain, rather than my loss.

Eventually, I was back to being my old self with my feet on the ground and my head in the NDE clouds. Seven months had passed since my mother's death and the worst part was over. Then, one night while I was alone and watching TV, I had a powerful after-death experience that lasted around an hour and did not involve any of my five senses. Suddenly and unexpectedly, my mother's presence entered my room and my being. Her presence was so strong and lovely that I didn't need any of my five senses to know she was there. She also brought heaven with her.

"I've told my children that when I die, to release balloons in the sky to celebrate that I graduated. For me, death is a graduation." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

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