About a month after I left the psych ward where they adjusted my manic depression medicine, my depression eased. It was almost time for my mother's memorial and I wanted to attend so much. But, I knew it would be a very emotional event for me - more emotional than I thought my mental health could bear. I knew that even just stepping into my sister's house, where my mother lived until her death, that I would be overwhelmed from being around her things, seeing her pictures, going into her room, thinking of all the memories, but more importantly, I knew I would feel her presence there and it would be so strong, that I was afraid of an emotional breakdown. My other option was not much better - not attending my own mother's memorial and funeral. So, I decided to stay home. After the memorial was over, my father gave me the videotape of the event and I wanted to see it very badly. Seeing it on video would be easier than being there because I would be more removed from it emotionally by seeing the videotape. But, it took me a few days until I decided to watch it. And it was very moving to hear my brother Glenn sing Moon River. I haven't heard that song since I was a child. After seeing the video, I knew I did the right thing by not attending. I don't think I could have handled it.

Four days later, on July 1, 2002, I was sitting alone in my room watching a television show which was a modern version of Candid Camera - except that they do cruel tricks on people. I watched as they were playing mind games on an unsuspecting victim who looked remarkably like my twin brother Steve. I was reminded of my brother's situation and all the pain and grief that he and his wife had been going through. No one was suffering more over the accident than Steve and his family. Along with their grief over Mom, they had to deal with permanent injuries, and lost employment - not to mention the loss of other things that cannot be valued.

As I thought about my brother, the mind games they were playing on the man on TV was bringing him to tears. Seeing this man in tears, who looked remarkably like my brother, made me start to cry.

Then something very bizarre but wonderful happened to me. I suddenly felt what I can only describe as a large invisible beam of energy made of pure love and happiness hit my chest. This entire experience did not involve any of my five senses. The beam remained focused over my heart as it poured this powerful energy of heavenly bliss into me. Wonderful feelings of intense love and ecstasy such as I have never felt before was filling and transforming my heart, mind and soul. I sensed that this beam was coming from the sky, through the ceiling, and into my chest. I wasn't too concerned about what it was at the time because it felt incredibly good. As it poured in, I grabbed my chest and arched my back in ecstasy to let as much of this beam of love and happiness in as possible. I remember having a passing thought of concern that this must be some kind of a gigantic manic depressive episode. But the wonderful feelings that I was experiencing made me dismiss that thought quickly. The strange transformation feeling I was experiencing began slowly from around place where the beam was entering my chest. Then it slowly spread out from my chest to the rest of my body. I remember thinking how it felt like a man of stone coming to life. I remember the thought that I was being jump-started by God. This wonderful and magical feeling lasted at least a minute.

Then, at the height of this ecstasy, came the astounding realization that my mother was standing next to me. "Oh, Mom!" I cried. I intuitively wrapped my arms around myself and felt her hug. Any sorrow remaining within me from losing her, just burst right out of me. At the same time, she filled me to overflowing with the heaven she brought with her. Everything I wanted to say to her since the day she died came out of me as well.

Although my five senses didn't detect her, her presence around me was so strong that I didn't need to use them. The combination of her strong presence and love, and the ecstatic feelings I was having, elevated my awareness to a degree that I was using senses reserved for hallucinations. Being with her again made me suddenly realize how long I had been without her. This led to the strange realization that, since her death, I had been slowing forgetting about the feeling of being around her - her presence - without even knowing it. I realized that this is how people are able to live the rest of their lives without their loved ones. Over time, we just naturally forget. That momentary thought was unsettling and only her strong presence with me took it immediately away.

I had a realization that my mother was in heaven and felt me despairing over my brother and that somehow a door was opened that allowed visit and comfort me. I also understood that this was only possible because my mind was open to the possibility that it could happen; that I had been wanting it to happen; that I wouldn't have freaked out if it did happen. Then, the possibility became a reality when she strongly connected with my despair over my brother. Then, she moved heaven and earth to come to me and make everything all right. I realized that her seeing me in despair over my brother was too much for her to bear as well. Along with her sheer force of will, the door was opened for her to visit me from the Other Side. I also strongly felt that communicating with us from the Other Side was something she strongly wanted to do.

As I basked in her presence, tears of both joy and sorrow flowed out of me at the same time. As she was cuddling me, I transformed into her little boy again. I could view my relationship with my mother from a perspective I never knew before - from the vantage point of my whole life - all at once. For the rest of that night I was her child. Memories and feelings I had of my childhood flooded my heart and mind.

Although our communication was mostly non-verbal, I remember moments of strongly hearing her voice in my mind. But most of my experience with her occurred on a conscious level too deep for me to recall. But I do remember her telling me these words:

I understood these words to mean that although she was in heaven, she is still here with us and aware of what's going on. And right now, she came back to comfort me and bring me heaven. I felt her presence multiplied to a degree that I felt like I was in heaven just being with her again. And I wanted this feeling to last forever. I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted her to take me to heaven. But I also knew that this was not possible.

I was overflowing with heaven from her presence and thanking God and Mom for allowing it to happen.

I also knew that this was also a goodbye - the goodbye that I was denied of having when she was taken to heaven.

I also had a realization that my mother was allowing me to catch a glimpse of heaven and the love that awaiting us there when we meet again.

I was not aware of exactly how long my visitation with my mother lasted, but my guess would be about an hour or so. This heavenly experience didn't just end abruptly. Everything gradually returned back to normal until eventually I couldn't feel her presence with me anymore. But within me, my mother had filled my heart and soul with tremendous happiness and love.

I spent the rest of that magical night contemplating what happened. I knew that my mother visited me in an after-death communication because I have read so much about them. Now I have experienced what I have been reading about all these years. This experience with my mother has made me more interested in after-death communications.

But because of my own personal experience with psychedelic, psychotic, and psychic (spiritual) hallucinations, I knew visitation experience with my mother was a form of hallucination. As I said earlier, none of my five senses were involved. Only my intuitive and spiritual senses were of use and this is why I saw it was in the form of a hallucination. But it was a spontaneous hallucination on a massive scale and that is what makes it different than any hallucination I have experience. Hallucinations don't happen spontaneously until there is a hallucinogen. My experience was more like the religious ecstasies I have read about, such as that of Fatima. And I don't consider it a miracle either. Miracles by definition are impossible. I know these kind of events are possible. Even if my mother materialized in front of me and I could see her with my own eyes - it is not a miracle. Historical records are filled with such materializations. For my visitation experience with my mother's heavenly spirit to be a miracle, she would have had to leave something physical behind - such as her heavenly shoe or ring. Now, that would be a miracle.

My mother didn't leave me a ring, but she left me with something far more meaningful to me. And I found it only hours later when I woke up the next morning.

Moon River Synchronicity

The next morning, I awoke with wonderful thoughts and feelings of my mother and her visit only hours ago. I laid there in bed awhile and I remember thinking how all this happiness I felt could put me in danger of becoming manic - the other side of manic depression marked by elevated mood. I remember deciding that I would see my doctor that day just to be safe.

Then, I got out of bed and turned on the television set. What happened next was far more difficult for me to believe than my visitation with my mother the night before. What happened when I turned on the TV was practically a miracle.

When I turned on the TV set, immediately the song Moon River began to play! Time seemed to momentarily stop as my jaw hit the floor. I couldn't believe my ears! By pure coincidence, I had turned on the TV to a movie that was at just the right point to play Moon River - my mother's song. This song was sung at her memorial only nine days prior. And only hours after having an after-death communication and visitation with her from heaven. By randomly turning on the TV set to Moon River, I had just experienced the "Mother of all Synchronistic Coincidences." And at the time, I didn't need to do the math to know how microscopically improbable such a thing can happen at random. Later, I calculated the odds of turning on a TV anytime at random and hearing the song Moon River in a movie. The odds of this happening at random is over 1 in 18 billion experienced. I also discovered later that the movie that came on that morning was called Breakfast at Tiffany's. The cable records are there.

When Moon River began to play, I picked my jaw off the floor, sat down in my chair, and closed my eyes and let Moon River bring my mother back to me again. It was Henri Mancini's orchestra playing the song. I hadn't heard that version of Moon River since I was a child listening to it on my mother's stereo. And I was moved to my very soul. I also knew I would have to see my doctor because I began to feel mania coming on - and it is pure heaven.

Hearing the song Moon River that morning meant so many things to me. I considered it a miracle at the time. It was also a sign from heaven. It was proof of life after death. It was physical confirmation which validates that my heavenly visit with my mother was a physical reality. It was the biggest coincidence of synchronicity that has ever happened to me. Just hours before this, my mother visited me. Just four days before this, I watched my brother sing Moon River on videotape. Just nine days before this, Moon River was sung at her memorial. Just eleven days before this, my sister remembered Moon River for the first time since childhood. About two weeks after hearing Moon River on TV by pure coincidence, my father heard Paul Harvey discuss a news item about the real Moon River in Savannah, Georgia. Then on the second anniversary of my mother's death, even more Moon River coincidences occurred. The message is clear: my mother still lives.

About Moon River

Moon River is a beautiful song from the early 60's which our family identified with, especially my mother, when we were a young family. For me, the song represents a time of innocence for our family and for America in general. Those were the illusionary days of Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, and My Three Sons, before the assassinations, the Vietnam war, and the political and social unrest came and blew all the illusions away.

My Metaphysical Connection With the Moon

My close association with the moon and Moon River intrigues me. I am a moonchild born under the sign of Cancer. Moonchildren are said to be very emotional almost to the point of being unable to control them which I often true of me. My manic depressive illness has a connection with the moon. Mental illness was thought by the ancients to be caused by the moon (lunatic = luna = moon). My heavenly visit with my mother occurred in July under the sign of Cancer.

The month of November of 2001, the month of my mother's death, was unique in that two full moons occurred within that month. This astronomical configuration is termed a "Blue Moon" and it occurs once in approximately once every two and a half years. During November 2001 the first full Moon fell in Taurus on the 1st of the month and on the 30th of November Gemini was graced with the second or "Blue Moon". According to astrologers, the November 2001 Blue Moon would strongly influence the signs of Taurus, Gemini, Scorpio and Sagittarius. My mother was born under the sign of Taurus.

I had my astrological birth chart created by a professional astrologer many years ago. I asked her how fraternal twin brothers, such as my brother and I, who were different in personality and tastes (unlike some identical twins) could somehow be connected to a similar birth chart. She explained how minor differences between birth time in minutes or hours can affect a birth chart. She also explained how one brother's birth chart can be interpreted using Sun-sign astrological principles and the other using Moon-sign astrology. I clearly fall under a Moon-sign interpretation.

Because I am a male Cancer and moonchild, this means the moon also rules my relationship with my mother and other important females in my life. This astrological principle certainly applies to me. I also have a sister and step-mother are moon children.

In astrological terms, the moon represents a general reflection of what humans have been in past lives. Because I have strong memories of some of my past life identities, this astrological principle certainly applies to me.

Considering that my connection to my mother is so strong, and my astrological connection with the moon is so strong, and our connection with Moon River is so strong, this may explain why my "Moon River experience" was so strong and why Moon River had such a positive effect on healing the grief of our losing the central component of our family, and why Moon River shows us that our connection to her will never be broken.