I came across your website the other day and laughed at myself for not
having thought of looking for a site like yours before this. As rare as
these so-called near-death experiences may be, there seems to be many people
who have had them. You would think that over a 36 year
period I would have at least encountered one other individual that I could
relate to, but unfortunately, I have not. Perhaps if you accept my
account and publish it on your site I will finally have the opportunity to
talk to some of these other people. I have wanted to communicate the
things I have understood for a very long time, and have related my
experiences to many people but it has become obvious that it's something
people simply cannot relate to completely. Some find it interesting but you
can tell many, by the looks on their faces, find you a little odd.
I've had three experiences in my life, but first I'd like to point out that
whoever coined the phrase "near-death experience" probably never had
one. I can assure you there is nothing halfway or "near" about dying, even
if you are fortunate enough to come back from such an experience,
dying is quite absolute. It would be like telling a woman who had a
spontaneous miscarriage at 8 1/2 months that she was never actually
pregnant but merely had a "near pregnant experience".
The first time I died was in the summer of 1968 when I was four years old. I
drowned. People seem quite surprised that I remember something
from that age, and I would have to agree that there isn't much else I could
recount from that age in any detail, but a traumatic event like
drowning tends to burn itself into your mind, and I can recall every detail
as if it had just happened. As you would probably expect, it is not a
pleasant experience. As soon as I had difficulty reaching the surface to get
a breath, I panicked. And as soon as I failed to reach the surface
at all, that panic escalated almost instantaneously to absolute terror.
Simply being aware that I could not take a breath of water, I held off
doing so for as long as possible, but the pain I felt shot up so fast, like
fire going from blue to yellow the white. It became white hot so quickly
that I couldn't distinguish whether it was white hot, white cold, or simply
white. And before I took that breath of water, I simply abandoned my
life, psychologically, and in that letting go, was immediately embraced with
the most profound sense of peace and calm. I always thought it
must be like being in your mother's womb, the sense of weightlessness,
floating in this perfect fluid that had no sense of temperature, it
simply matched that of my whole being. And a comforting, quiet, dull white
hum of a noise. Every sense felt this perfect comfort of an absolute
love and belonging. I simply became this perfect white light.
That was where that experience ended. The neighbor had apparently seen me
standing out on the dock and the next time he looked up I
was gone. I heard later that he almost took the door to his cottage off its
hinges when he bust through it, covered a significant stretch of beach
in a matter of strides and managed to locate me under water quick enough for
me to be typing these words today. He knows who he is, and
thank you again. The next thing I recall was the unpleasant vomiting up
water, where, because you have fluid in your lungs, each time you
cough some out, you have that automatic response of gasping for air so
quickly that you inhale some of the water you just tried to expel. That
part is not pleasant at all, which is somewhat of a drag, seeing as a moment
ago you were in the most blissful state.
The second death experience I had was when I was 19. Now this is where I
fully expect to lose many people, since it was an overdose of
magic mushrooms that led to this experience. So I accept the fact that many
may presume that I simply had a hallucination, which I probably
would have thought myself, had I not had the previous experience. It wasn't
an intentional overdose, it was just idiotic, juvenile exuberance
since I had never seen an entire platter heaped with magic mushrooms before.
I had done them in the past, a handful of times (lot's of fun),
but one half a gram of mushrooms is enough to get plenty high and a full
gram is more than enough. This particular evening, I took two huge
handfuls, it had to be somewhere between eight to ten grams. Needless to
say, about an hour later I didn't feel well at all and went to the
bathroom to see if I could wait this out. I realized I was in serious
trouble when, while sitting on the toilet, I began to lose all function of
body, and I could not have gotten up or called for help even if I wanted to.
All of a sudden I was on the ceiling looking back at my body. I didn't
spend much time even contemplating this because I was no longer in that
body, that wasn't me, I was up here on the ceiling, so it was easy to
leave that shell behind. I turned away from my body and simply went through
the ceiling, quickly flew above the city, and was immediately
hurling through space. I remember at the very beginning passing planets in
our solar system like Saturn and Jupiter and thinking it odd that I
could see such vivid detail. (Years later I was watching the news and they
were announcing the discovery of other moons around one of the
planets and I had already seen what they were talking about). I seemed to
have lots of time to observe what I was going by, but at the same
time was aware I was going to fast to have time to do this. It just revealed
that I wasn't in normal space/time, I was somehow outside of it yet
able to observe and experience things simultaneously at differing levels of
space and time.
Right away I was rocketing through what seemed to be just empty space,
heading towards a distant point of light. It quickly grew in size as I
approached it, and realized that this was the same pure white light I had
experienced at four. It is the most absolute, pure light that never hurts
to look at, probably because your not actually looking at it with physical
eyes, even though the sensation is that of seeing, it's simply a sight of
the mind. It was like a sun or a planet of light until I got close enough to
see more detail. It was at that moment, where seeing this detail, that
what could only be described as "all" was revealed, and even that is a poor
description of what is conveyed to you. The detail I can only
describe as billions and billions of "bit's" of light both
to and away from this "body of light", which is simply a more visual
description of what we call God. We quite simply are God in as much as this
whole body of light cannot be that whole without all it's parts or
"bit's" of light.
There was a perfect harmony to this process, and it was as if all
understanding was conveyed upon seeing this. The very next thought I had
was that there was a harmony and a time when I was to come and rejoin this
"body of light", it just wasn't now ... WHAM!!! ... the instant I had
that thought, I was hurled all the way back and slammed back into my body,
and my eyes snapped open. I knew exactly where I was, why I
was there, and still had this experience completely alive within me. "Oh my
God, I know the answer to life and the universe," I thought to
myself, "if I could just get off the toilet and tell someone." But I
couldn't move. I was back in my body but my body was still dead. I must have
sat there for at least a minute or more before I realized I wasn't
breathing. Oh, that's not good. Breathing would be a really good idea right
Breathe!! Come on, breathe!! I was starting to panic a bit, and somehow gave
myself some kind of mental shock, you know, "Charge to 20 ...
clear ... whuuump!! Just enough it seemed to allow me slam my body into the
wall a couple of times to bang the life back into my limbs.
I finally recovered enough, after sitting there for another 20 minutes or
so, to get up and leave the bathroom stall. When I saw myself in the
mirror, I still looked somewhat dead, in that my coloring was a real sickly
grey, and I was covered in sweat. It was then that I became quite
physically conscious of the fact that my heart probably did stop, even if
only for a moment or two. As I said you step out of normal space and
time, so that even an experience that seemed to involve a great deal of
time, could actually occur in a fraction of a second.
As I opened the bathroom door, a rather jovial, quite wasted co-worker of
mine took one look at me and said, "Holy s--t, you don't look to hot
man, you should probably go home ... cause you're, like...grey man!!"
"Sounds like a plan."
I manage and realize explaining life and the universe is going to have to
Now, the third experience happened just before Christmas of last year, 2003,
and is still somewhat unfolding even now. Looking back, it
seems that the events of 9/11 set something in motion. That seems to be when
I really started to notice a pain in my chest, right where the rib
cage parts, where your solar plexus is. Someone told me that's one of your
chakras, or you're centre.
Between September 11 and last Christmas, that pain just steadily grew.
Brought on buy a number of very stressful personal events that really
aren't important to detail. I finally found myself in way too much pain, all
in this one spot. It was simply too much pain for me to logically accept
as being all mine. Even if every single day of my life had been some
torturous hell, it wouldn't add up to this much pain. It simply couldn't be
my pain, it could only be the pain I was seeing in the world. I had simply
lost the ability to tune any of it out anymore. We're all exposed to the
same pain of the world every day, we just have our own unique way of
tempering it somehow ... drugs, alcohol, work, relationships, religion ...
whatever. I simply couldn't shut any of it out any more and it was killing
me. I couldn't distinguish anxiety from stress from nausea or hunger. It
all felt the same, all in the same spot in my chest. I spent months every
day feeling like I was about to have a heart attack. No! No such luck.
And the pain just kept growing. Every day I thought I simply can't withstand
any greater pain, it can't possibly get any worse ... but it did.
Then one day, around the 12th of December of last year, I had this third
experience. It wasn't so much a physical death but rather a
psychological collapse of the mind. I couldn't help but relate it to the
collapsing of a universe. I had seen this show with physicist Stephen
Hawking explaining the nature and origin of the universe, and I could relate
to the way he, by working backwards and collapsing it, was able
to mathematically quantify the entire universe back to it's origins in what
he referred to as the "Unified Singularity." This collapse of the mind
started with trying to make sense of this profound pain I felt. I wasn't
trying to do anything specific but as I started to work backwards, taking
an existing situation and examining all the components that made it up, and
then taking each component and examining what it was that
made that thing true, very quickly my mind started to just go on it's own. I
sat there more like a spectator than the participant and just noticed
all the things that my mind was working through. Each time I moved further
back the faster this process became. Then it got to a state where,
like the flying back to the "body of light", I was at first
the fact that I could comprehend everything that was occurring and then it
got so fast that I started to become quite afraid. The further back I went
the faster it got and the more simple it became, until it reached the
end with one word. And it didn't matter which word I chose, I could go
around in circles with any one word.
I sat there waiting to die. I was sure that my mind had just completely
collapsed, and that this must be what happens to someone right before
they have a brain aneurism or spontaneously combust. The inside of my head,
my brain, whatever, was just buzzing. It felt like the back of my
brain had just swollen to twice its size and the back of my head had swollen
as well. And I waited, and waited, and waited. But I didn't die.
I really don't know how I felt about that. Part of me was relieved, sure.
But the more predominant feeling I had was almost regret. Because
what had come with this collapse was too much understanding of too many
things. Things that I knew I had no reason to be able to
comprehend or understand but just simply did, and couldn't ignore it. I felt
completely screwed, knowing that people would not accept this
about me and yet I felt almost a sense of desperation to share what I knew.
For example, going back to Stephen Hawking and the "Unified Singularity"
theory, he says that he can take the universe all the way back to
the instant after the "Big Bang," but he can't figure out what it was that
caused the bang itself. I really wish I couldn't either, but I can.
Scientists, years ago, believed that the atom was the smallest thing in
existence. Now the smallest thing they have discovered, with the
advent of the tunneling electron microscope, is something they've dubbed a
"quark." The smallest thing in existence, in fact, the only thing
that does exist and makes up the entire universe, is a sub-atomic particle
of light. Professor Hawking has actually gone just a little too far
with his mathematics and doesn't realize that by choosing the term
"singularity", he's contradicting another accepted rule in physics. That
being, that no two particles of matter can occupy the same space at (or in)
the same time, and that when the collapsing universe reaches the
end of it's collapse, and the last two sub-atomic particles of light try to
occupy the same space at the same time, they cannot, and annihilate
one another in a "Big Bang", thus beginning another universe. Hence the
infinite nature of the universe ... expanding, collapsing, expanding,
That was just one of the things I was suddenly aware of. And as I sat there
waiting to die, I thought about these things and how they applied to
things like religion, and how accurate much of the language was, when
properly applied. Even though these sentiments come from long ago
and were not English words originally, they've somehow managed to survive
both time and translation. Language was much more metaphoric
and representational back then. Now language is very specific and literal,
and there are very specific meanings to the words used in religion,
as they are used today. But we need to remember that they weren't meant to
be taken literally, but applied more metaphorically. One way I
saw this, sitting there running out of words, was with the simple and
familiar phrase, "I think, therefore, I am. I think, therefore I am. I
therefore, I think, therefore, I think, therefore, I think I think I think I
think I think ..." and like the two remaining sub atomic particles of light
fighting, colliding with one another in a battle to occupy that space that
would only allow one to remain, like God, in the
beginning, as the last two particles of light, simply self aware and nothing
What do you think?
I think I think.
And who's doing the thinking?
And who are you?
The one who's thinking.
And what is it your thinking?
That I am something that thinks it's ... uh ... thinking.
So are you a thought or a thing that thinks it's thinking?
I don't know. I can't tell. I can't see anything. It's dark and I'm afraid.
I feel so alone and I afraid I'm going to think myself into
Why don't you turn on the lights?
There's lights, well where the hell's the switch?
Just kidding, there's nothing here but you thinking your here.
Well, who the hell are you?
I would imagine your talking to yourself!
Here, I have an idea, or you have an idea. Why not simply ask for light and
perhaps in asking you will create that which you need first of all. I
mean how could you know if there is anything without the light to see it
Good point! OK. What the hell. "LET THERE BE LIGHT."
And with that, at the very last second God sees that he is just two
remaining particles of light and God is annihilated. He sacrifices himself
become the medium, which is set free (free will, made in God's image) to
find its own form of expression in this random chaotic expansion.
Everything began as light and cooled and swirled and collided and settled
and freely found its own expression. It's still just light. All of if.
Cooled light, in its various states. God then, truly would be the ultimate
judge, in that he cannot become any one thing. As all, as the medium,
as light, God can only ever bear witness to all that comes to be. Everything
that comes to be, requires the light to reveal it's existence, and
that which becomes revealed or enlightened, reveals the existence of the
ever present light. (The Father and The Son). And since physics
already understands that every sub atomic particle of matter in this space
and in this time has it's twin of anti-matter, which does not exist in
space or time at all. Unlike a cell dividing in two pieces, side by side,
the anti-matter mate of each sub-atomic particle of light, exist right
where that particle exists, requiring no space at all. This is where the
mind exists. (Holy Ghost) Even though it looks like there is plenty of
empty space in the universe, the truth is, you couldn't squeeze so much as a
single particle of light into the universe. No room! And so, like an
unbroken electrical connection, the universe is connected to itself as one
thing only. That is why light can travel so fast. It's traveling through an
unbroken chain of light itself. As well, the anti-matter would also be one
So in truth, there actually is only one physical thing, as the universe,
with only one mind. You get occasional glimpses of this connection with
things like psychic abilities or within people like idiot savants, and other
things that baffle science. For whatever reason, they are simply tied
into this connection. Keep in mind that when you, for example, think of a
place quite far away, you can instantly be there in your mind, needing
no time to get there. Thought is the one thing that can travel faster than
light since it doesn't exist in space or time.
Now the words can make much more sense instead of being so detached from
reality. It's not all this magical, mysterious, "and the Lord said
unto thee ..." mumbo jumbo. The truth is much more profound and all
encompassing. If there was a Supreme Being that was some kind of
directional force behind all that is, and he was like a man. He wouldn't be
able to create a peanut butter sandwich let alone a universe. To
simply look up in the sky and see how much is there and think that some God
created it all for man, would be an arrogance so far above that
God, he would have completely lost sight of man. The "Original Sin" for
example, is not really a sin as we think of sins. It was the unavoidable
condition of man as a creature that had evolved to the point of having a
self aware cognition. This would have been long before he had the
ability to even communicate. Once he became aware, he needed to understand
and quantify his world. It would have been a long time before
the words were ever written or even the sentiments expressed like, "Do not
try to name that which cannot be named". And we think that
means naming God "God" or "Allah" or "Buddha," etc. It relates to the Garden
of Eden tale and Adam and Eve. The name of the tree the
forbidden fruit grows on is the Tree of Knowledge. The sin of needing to
name everything and understand everything in order not to fear it, is
simply an infinite, never ending process, that has created our own hell and
cast us out of Eden, or separated us from nature and every other
thing in existence that simply lives in this perfect harmony with nature.
Bizarre eh? Can you imagine having this kind of knowledge and understanding
just dropped on you. Not fun, at all!! I really didn't want this. I'm
just a simple man who barely got his grade 12. Oh, guess what? I'm a
carpenter and cabinetmaker. Oh, the irony!! I mean I can't have this
information and not share it. And at the same time, I don't see this as
being readily accepted by everyone. And yet it has a great potential, if
accepted, to do something quite wonderful. The world is so full of pain and
fear and there's really nothing to be afraid of.
It's like the whole planet is full of children who are afraid of the dark. I
can relate. I was terrified of the dark as a child. The truth
is, however, there is no such thing as evil, there is no such thing as sin,
there is no such thing as hell, accept for the hell we create ourselves in
our fearful, ignorant minds. Don't be offended by the word ignorant. Look it
up! It simply means lacking an understanding. I mean relatively
speaking we lack an enormous amount of understanding about our planet, let
alone the universe. Ever since that drowning experience at four,
I've looked at the world in somewhat of a different way than most people.
I've never sought to become more intelligent, I've sought to become
less ignorant. It's a subtle difference that seems to have a significant
effect. It's a great deal easier to lose or let go of something you already
possess (ignorance), than it is to acquire something you do not
(intelligence). I've always known that I can and do learn from everyone I
not just those who believe they are the ones who have something to teach me.
Finally, there is no such thing as the dark. It's a physical
impossibility. Yes, it does look dark out at night, but look at the moon.
You see it because it is illuminated and it in turn reveals the presence
of the light. There is only light, nothing more. Even you are simply light
in your unique form. Only you can
create a darkness in your mind, with a fear, born of ignorance that
effectively turns you away from that light, and you create the shadow or
darkness you believe is there. Turn back towards the light and let yourself
be revealed and become enlightened. There is a God-like beauty
waiting to be illuminated. And there is a light waiting to bear witness to
Too many very well educated people I been speaking to, since having this
latest experience, have been telling me the oddest things, like I'm
the most Christ-like person they've ever met, quite possibly the most
intelligent person they've ever met, that I might be one of the great
philosophers, or that I should take philosophy because people would love to
hear what I have to say. The only problem with taking philosophy
is that it's probably one of my most fundamental philosophies that I
shouldn't have to pay to have my own thoughts, or to share them with you.
So you go right ahead and pay some university tens of thousands of dollars
to give your ability to think, some form of
legitimacy ... uh ... I'll be across the street at the coffee shop if you'd
like to talk. Now please understand, the things I've just
stated, could very easily make me sound quite egotistical, but it's not me
that say's these things. It's other people. I would not use words like
that to describe myself. I prefer "simple" and "ignorant." They're way more
Life was never meant to be this much of a struggle. It's become a lot like
trying to swim upstream against a really strong current. It's
exhausting. Every stroke you take requires an enormous amount of energy and
after just about killing yourself trying to make some forward
progress, you look at the shore and realize you haven't really gone anywhere
at all. At best, you've managed to stay in the same spot, or more
likely, you've actually lost ground. And yes, it is terrifying to let go and
let the current sweep you away. It's so powerful you're sure it will destroy
you, besides, everyone knows you have to move forward in life, right? Not
really! If you look at every pursuit man engages in, as a pursuit of
the truth. Science, mathematics, medicine, physics, music, art, whatever. We
are all seeking some truth. Take music for example, two
musical notes played together will be one of two things, harmonic (true), or
discordant (false). The truth is revealed in the beauty and
conversely, the beauty is what reveals the truth. There is only that which
is true, much like mathematics, which surely is one of the purest
languages, in that all of the other pursuits can be reduced to math. And
math, no matter how complicated the equation may be, is actually only
that, the equation. The equals sign (=), that is what math fundamentally is,
the truth. Something is true (equal), or false (not equal). The truth is
simply that which is. Man never made any truths or actually invented
anything for that matter, he merely uncovered that which was always
there. We always have to go backwards to find the truth. Let go! Don't be
afraid! Let the current carry you back to your truth.
I really hope these words can be of some use to someone. I would love to
hear from you so please feel free to email me.
James T -