tightness in my chest was overwhelming, as if a giant hand
had reached in, grabbed my heart and started squeezing and
twisting at the same time (cardiac arrest). I was on fire,
from the inside out and now my heart was being crushed.
I stared at the monitors thinking, if I stare long enough,
it will make them look, they will see that something is
wrong inside my body and they will stop this.
All of a sudden, I thought, "No,
I'm going to die" and it was very calm. I didn't feel panicked
or afraid, just very serene and calm as I watched the blood
pressure monitor and the pulse rate. It was all so slow
motion, I just watched the numbers dropping and I remember
thinking, "Can't they see. Can't they see what's happening?
I'm dying and they don't even know it."
as I was leaving my body, I was trying to reassure the nurse, "No,
I'm not dead. I'm right here. Can't you see? I'm right here."
it was me who felt rather stupid as I realized I could see
my body lying on the bed and I could see the nurse, the
doctor, the other attendants in the room and realized I
was looking down at them. "Uh oh, maybe I am dead" kind
of sensation. And then the whooshing entrance ... the experience
it seemed like I was floating, not walking but just moving
away through a tube or a very narrow passageway. I don't
recall moving towards a light, but being IN a light, a very
bright, white light that just seemed to get brighter the
farther I moved away.
parts of my life, not like seeing pictures, but living them
over again in a very fast short way. It was as though I
was living the experiences of other people I had known or
come in contact with in my life. It was as if I knew exactly
how they thought and felt at those very moments. I felt
how I had made them feel in a given situation and at the
same time, my own resulting feelings from the event.
talks of her life review.)
'hell' that I experienced was the pain, anguish, hurt and
anger that I had caused others, or that I suffered as a
result of my actions/words to others. 'Hell' was what I
had created for myself and my own soul through turning my
back on unconditional love, compassion and peace. Be that
unconditional love, compassion or peace for myself or others
I came in contact with in my life.
as many have said the NDE is not death. Perhaps it is not
"going all the way." Perhaps when I "die" and "go all
the way," I will know some other version of 'hell'.
But for now, in this life, this time around, with what I
learned in my NDE, I am quite satisfied to accept my belief
that hell is of my own creation and choosing. If I choose
to be hateful, hurtful, uncompassionate, unempathetic, unforgiving
of myself and others, then I can choose to live in the ensuing
hell that I will feel and know in my heart and soul through
those actions. I have felt it since my NDE. Every time I
have hurt someone, or not tried with my heart and soul to
be loving and forgiving of them, I have had the horrendous
"re-living" of the PAIN and hurt I felt during my "life
review." It has just absolutely made me want to rip
my heart out of my chest.
So many have said that the life
review process was also my own conscience and ego. Many
have tried to convince me that it was a creation of my own
mind. Maybe it was. Maybe the LOVE I felt standing at my
side forgiving me and reassuring me that my heaven was in
forgiving myself and learning how to love again - maybe
that all just was wishful thinking or a figment or creation
of my own mind. Even if it was, I know I can not STAND,
can not BARE, the pain I felt during that review that I
had inflicted on others. There are no words adequate to
return, was almost the same - the whooshing sound and sensation
of being sucked back through that same "tunnel".
I also felt guilty. If I had
died and was even close to God or heaven, then I should
not have wanted to come back. I felt as though I had turned
my back on what I was taught was supposed to be God and
heaven. But I saw no God and I did not know the experience
to be heaven. What I did know was that it was absolute peace
and love and harmony and oneness and calm. I do know that
I was not afraid. I wanted to be there. I wanted to stay
and I am not afraid of going back. In fact, I look forward
to the day that I have fulfilled my purpose and can go back
and keep going to what is next for me. There IS something
better for us in this life that most of us don't seem to
realize or allow ourselves to reach. But I now know, there
is something even better after this life.
years since my experience, I have had a strong desire to
LIVE life and have continued to try to pursue that goal.
I have learned how to truly love people, so much so that
at times it physically hurts. I have always been extremely
sensitive to people and their feelings, internally, but
even more so now I seem to "feel" people. I love to touch
and hug people, but now sometimes touching people is painful,
confusing, frustrating, frightening or extremely warm and
happy. It seems as if I just "know" things about people
who I touch that can be happy, sad, good, bad, absolutely
wonderful and at times absolutely frightening.
I could tell people: It isn't just about believing in God
or heaven or Buddha or UFOs, that is important. It's about
believing in peace, love and human compassion. It is about
valuing life and living it, meeting your potential and following
your heart and soul. It is about living a life in contact
with others, the way that you want to be treated.
Every day, you touch someone's
life. It may be in line at the grocery store, it may be
someone you work with, see at church or school or just walking
down the street. Just your very existence, has in some way
touched their life. Likewise for those you come in contact
with, even briefly. They have touched you, had some impact
on your experience no matter how minute it may seem at that
given moment. Cherish each moment from each person who touches
your life. They may have taught you something you didn't
even know you learned. You may have taught them something
you didn't even realize you could teach them. Feel compassion
and empathy for them because you do not know that you haven't
known them before, or during this life, or that you will
not know them again in your future. You do not know how
valuable, what little seed of knowledge they give to you,
may be to your future or theirs.
wait to find your heaven in the clouds. Find it here on
this Earth and in this lifetime because it exists and it
will be for you what you make it and what you are willing
to accept of it.
is to each individual, their own personal experience, values,
beliefs and what they need to know and find from it. The
existence of a heaven or a hell and one's existence therein,
in my knowledge, is not based on their belief or faith in
a God or a Satan. It is based on their belief of truth,
knowledge, faith, love, peace and compassion. Verbally professing
to have faith in a God or a Satan or the heaven which Christians
profess to exist, will not assure an eternal rest in a heaven
with a God or a hell with a Satan. I know this to be my
own truth from my own experience. A heavenly existence for
any of us will be what we have made of our own individual
earthly existences, the truths we have lived and taught
and believed in our current lives, and the love, peace and
compassion we have known for ourselves and those we have
touched. Anything else will be what we make to be our own
see, I have found, learned and know with my inner truth,
that this is not just about God. And THAT, is my purpose.
There are plenty of people out there to teach you about
God, Allah, Buddha, the Goddess, in Christianity be it,
Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Episcopalian, Jewish, Muslim,
Buddhism, Pagan or any other name you need your religion
to be. If you study any of them, the message is the same.
The message is made tailored to your cultural, spiritual,
family, religious needs. LOVE AND COMPASSION. The basis
and the basics of any of these religions has the same set
of standards. Love your fellow man, have compassion for
him, do not kill, do not take what is not yours, respect
your father and mother for they are your guides and teachers
in this life, do unto others as you would have them do unto