blinkstar.gif (494 bytes) Tina

The tightness in my chest was overwhelming, as if a giant hand had reached in, grabbed my heart and started squeezing and twisting at the same time (cardiac arrest). I was on fire, from the inside out and now my heart was being crushed. I stared at the monitors thinking, if I stare long enough, it will make them look, they will see that something is wrong inside my body and they will stop this.


All of a sudden, I thought, "No, I'm going to die" and it was very calm. I didn't feel panicked or afraid, just very serene and calm as I watched the blood pressure monitor and the pulse rate. It was all so slow motion, I just watched the numbers dropping and I remember thinking, "Can't they see. Can't they see what's happening? I'm dying and they don't even know it."

And as I was leaving my body, I was trying to reassure the nurse, "No, I'm not dead. I'm right here. Can't you see? I'm right here."

Then it was me who felt rather stupid as I realized I could see my body lying on the bed and I could see the nurse, the doctor, the other attendants in the room and realized I was looking down at them. "Uh oh, maybe I am dead" kind of sensation. And then the whooshing entrance ... the experience itself.

Then it seemed like I was floating, not walking but just moving away through a tube or a very narrow passageway. I don't recall moving towards a light, but being IN a light, a very bright, white light that just seemed to get brighter the farther I moved away.

I remember parts of my life, not like seeing pictures, but living them over again in a very fast short way. It was as though I was living the experiences of other people I had known or come in contact with in my life. It was as if I knew exactly how they thought and felt at those very moments. I felt how I had made them feel in a given situation and at the same time, my own resulting feelings from the event.

(Tina talks of her life review.)

The 'hell' that I experienced was the pain, anguish, hurt and anger that I had caused others, or that I suffered as a result of my actions/words to others. 'Hell' was what I had created for myself and my own soul through turning my back on unconditional love, compassion and peace. Be that unconditional love, compassion or peace for myself or others I came in contact with in my life.

Perhaps as many have said the NDE is not death. Perhaps it is not "going all the way." Perhaps when I "die" and "go all the way," I will know some other version of 'hell'. But for now, in this life, this time around, with what I learned in my NDE, I am quite satisfied to accept my belief that hell is of my own creation and choosing. If I choose to be hateful, hurtful, uncompassionate, unempathetic, unforgiving of myself and others, then I can choose to live in the ensuing hell that I will feel and know in my heart and soul through those actions. I have felt it since my NDE. Every time I have hurt someone, or not tried with my heart and soul to be loving and forgiving of them, I have had the horrendous "re-living" of the PAIN and hurt I felt during my "life review." It has just absolutely made me want to rip my heart out of my chest.


So many have said that the life review process was also my own conscience and ego. Many have tried to convince me that it was a creation of my own mind. Maybe it was. Maybe the LOVE I felt standing at my side forgiving me and reassuring me that my heaven was in forgiving myself and learning how to love again - maybe that all just was wishful thinking or a figment or creation of my own mind. Even if it was, I know I can not STAND, can not BARE, the pain I felt during that review that I had inflicted on others. There are no words adequate to describe it.

The return, was almost the same - the whooshing sound and sensation of being sucked back through that same "tunnel".


I also felt guilty. If I had died and was even close to God or heaven, then I should not have wanted to come back. I felt as though I had turned my back on what I was taught was supposed to be God and heaven. But I saw no God and I did not know the experience to be heaven. What I did know was that it was absolute peace and love and harmony and oneness and calm. I do know that I was not afraid. I wanted to be there. I wanted to stay and I am not afraid of going back. In fact, I look forward to the day that I have fulfilled my purpose and can go back and keep going to what is next for me. There IS something better for us in this life that most of us don't seem to realize or allow ourselves to reach. But I now know, there is something even better after this life.

In the years since my experience, I have had a strong desire to LIVE life and have continued to try to pursue that goal. I have learned how to truly love people, so much so that at times it physically hurts. I have always been extremely sensitive to people and their feelings, internally, but even more so now I seem to "feel" people. I love to touch and hug people, but now sometimes touching people is painful, confusing, frustrating, frightening or extremely warm and happy. It seems as if I just "know" things about people who I touch that can be happy, sad, good, bad, absolutely wonderful and at times absolutely frightening.

I wish I could tell people: It isn't just about believing in God or heaven or Buddha or UFOs, that is important. It's about believing in peace, love and human compassion. It is about valuing life and living it, meeting your potential and following your heart and soul. It is about living a life in contact with others, the way that you want to be treated.


Every day, you touch someone's life. It may be in line at the grocery store, it may be someone you work with, see at church or school or just walking down the street. Just your very existence, has in some way touched their life. Likewise for those you come in contact with, even briefly. They have touched you, had some impact on your experience no matter how minute it may seem at that given moment. Cherish each moment from each person who touches your life. They may have taught you something you didn't even know you learned. You may have taught them something you didn't even realize you could teach them. Feel compassion and empathy for them because you do not know that you haven't known them before, or during this life, or that you will not know them again in your future. You do not know how valuable, what little seed of knowledge they give to you, may be to your future or theirs.

Don't wait to find your heaven in the clouds. Find it here on this Earth and in this lifetime because it exists and it will be for you what you make it and what you are willing to accept of it.

Religion is to each individual, their own personal experience, values, beliefs and what they need to know and find from it. The existence of a heaven or a hell and one's existence therein, in my knowledge, is not based on their belief or faith in a God or a Satan. It is based on their belief of truth, knowledge, faith, love, peace and compassion. Verbally professing to have faith in a God or a Satan or the heaven which Christians profess to exist, will not assure an eternal rest in a heaven with a God or a hell with a Satan. I know this to be my own truth from my own experience. A heavenly existence for any of us will be what we have made of our own individual earthly existences, the truths we have lived and taught and believed in our current lives, and the love, peace and compassion we have known for ourselves and those we have touched. Anything else will be what we make to be our own hellish existence.

You see, I have found, learned and know with my inner truth, that this is not just about God. And THAT, is my purpose. There are plenty of people out there to teach you about God, Allah, Buddha, the Goddess, in Christianity be it, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Episcopalian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhism, Pagan or any other name you need your religion to be. If you study any of them, the message is the same. The message is made tailored to your cultural, spiritual, family, religious needs. LOVE AND COMPASSION. The basis and the basics of any of these religions has the same set of standards. Love your fellow man, have compassion for him, do not kill, do not take what is not yours, respect your father and mother for they are your guides and teachers in this life, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.


"Your religion is where your love is." - Henry David Thoreau

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