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 When
I finally gave up my will to live, relinquishing
my life unto death was sublimely easy after my
long illness and loss of everything that had
made life worthwhile for me. The decision to
leave this world hung suspended in an extended
moment of absolute quiet. Passionless, I watched
my spirit leave my body as a feeling of
"otherness" engulfed me. I felt a strange
detachment from my physical body and the life I
had created. I was no longer connected to a
pitiful, suffering mass of flesh. I was not that
body and yet, I still existed but in a new state
of being. Gone was the wrenching pain that had
accompanied my every waking moment. The strain
of expanding my lungs to gasp for air had
disappeared. Fatigue, which had weighted my life
for years, had lifted. Depression no longer
drained my mind of hope. Sight and sounds did
not sear my head with pain, leaving me
emotionally bereft. And yet, I still existed. I
felt weightless and calm.
Although I knew I was
not in the lifeless body lying on my bed, and
that the eyes and brain I had previously
identified as mine, were in that inanimate
object with which I no longer identified, I was
still aware of sight and thoughts and
sensations. I observed my new reality with
tranquility. Slowly I looked around and below me
I saw a vast, endless blackness. Like a void or
black hole, I was irresistibly drawn toward the
darkness. Gradually, I felt myself sinking
toward it. I thought, without fear or any
emotional reaction, "Isn't that strange?" I had
been so afraid I was going to be judged and sent
to either heaven or hell. But it appeared I
would simply disappear into the dark
nothingness. As even my new awareness waned, I
yielded to the heaviness overtaking me as
darkness filled my mind. My vision became
obscured as I began to merge into the blackness.
Offering no
resistance, I released my hold on any remaining
shred of consciousness and personal identity. At
the very moment I felt the last of me
disappearing into nothingness, I was suddenly
buffeted by a powerful, energetic force that
swooped beneath and lifted me, carrying me
upward.
Barely conscious, my
only awareness was a sensation of rising. I
seemed to be traveling upward at an unimaginable
speed. A clean sensation of wind rushed over my
face and body with tremendous force and yet
there was no discomfort. Vast distances seemed
to fly by me and the higher I rose, the more my
head cleared. I became aware of a deep sense of
peace and warmth that permeated my senses.
Confused, because the energy that had enveloped
me had a definite presence, I tried to see what
was happening and who was carrying me; who or
what cared so deeply for me? I felt peaceful and
loved immeasurably. I knew I was in the arms of
a being who cherished me with perfect love and
carried me from the dark void into a new
reality.
As my mind cleared,
scoured of the remnants of mortal, past
associations, I was finally able to open my
being fully to spirit and my vision cleared.
 With
the eyes of my soul body, I looked to see what
held me in such love and I beheld a radiant,
Spirit being, so magnificent and full of love
that I knew I would never again feel the sense
of loss. I have no way of explaining how, but I
knew the Spirit was Christ. It was not a belief,
perception or understanding, but my recognition
of Christ came from my new perspective of
spirit.
I did not see the
Spirit as I had seen Jesus of Nazareth depicted
in paintings, but the innate knowing of my heart
remembered and acknowledged Christ. The radiant
Spirit was Christ, the manifestation and
expression of pure love. Because of my Christian
education, I knew no other name to call what I
felt as I looked at him.
Others might have
called him Buddha, or Yahweh, or Great Spirit in
the Sky, but the naming did not matter, only the
recognition of absolute love and truth was
important. Safe in the gentle yet powerful
embrace of his love, I rested, secure that
everything was okay, exactly as it was supposed
to be.
Ascending ever
farther, I lifted my eyes to see a great light
in the vast distance. With Christ as my guide, I
rapidly approached the light. Ecstasy filled my
soul as I looked at the radiance, many-fold
brighter than a sun.
The light was
everywhere and everything, the brightest I had
ever seen and dazzling beyond description.
Brilliant enough to blind or burn, yet I was not
harmed.
The light moved over
and through me, washing every hidden place of my
heart, removing all hurt and fear, transforming
my very being into a song of joy. I had thought
the love I felt from Christ was complete, yet,
the light toward which we were soaring was the
fulfillment of my search, the loving Source of
all that exists, the God of truth and
unconditional love, the origin of creation.
My understanding of
love was forever changed. The majesty and glory
of that vision was an ineffable moment that
defined forever more, the direction of my new
truth. I was home and I wanted nothing more than
to remain in the light of God. Christ had
delivered me into the light and I stood in the
presence of God. I was filled with complete
knowing: The light was love and love was God.
Waves of consummate love which emanated from the
light obliterated every burden I carried and
every thought that kept me from knowing God. I
was made aware of my purity. With new clarity, I
realized I had been walking through life
ghostlike, wrapped in a shroud of fear, huddled
against illusions. I stood like a lover, open to
the liquid flow of golden light that filled my
empty shell to overflowing.
There was no limit to
the outpouring as I came to the rapturous
awareness of the infinite nature of God's love.
There was no place that God did not exist and I
was within God. I am an inseparable part of the
light. The truth of who I am, indeed, who we all
are, is perfect love as a creation of God. All
of God's creation is one creation and I am one
with creation. God and I are one, Creator and
created.
I had spent a
lifetime of fear of judgment and now, standing
with God, I had been known completely and found
faultless. I knew God regarded me as perfect.
God loved me because love is the totality of
God. God loves without limit. Finally it all
made sense. God could only love me because God
is only love, nothing other than love. The only
reality is God; there cannot be another and GOD
IS LOVE.
I had reached my true
home. I turned to Christ and said, "This is
beautiful. I am home. This is where I want to
be. I want to stay." And Christ answered, "You
can stay for a little while and then you must
return."
 I
couldn't believe I had to come back to physical
reality. After a lifetime of confusion and fear,
I had stood in the presence of an open,
receptive, non-judging, totally loving God. I
wanted nothing more than to remain in that
presence but was told I had to return.
Another aspect of the
dramatic change in my life after my near-death
experience is that I no longer have a fear of
death. In fact, death became my favorite subject
overnight. Where I had once forbidden even
speaking the dreadful word in my home, now my
family and friends couldn't get me to stop
talking about my amazing experience.
Surprisingly, I was
sad and angry, even defiant. I was confounded
that after my lifetime of fear, I had made it to
heaven and then had been sent back. "Why?" I
asked, "Was I too little a fish, or what!"
For almost a year,
often I would lie in my bed at night crying,
sobbing and begging God to let me come home. I
was not one of those lucky persons who
experienced a spontaneous remission of their
illness with their near-death experience. I was
still very sick and I didn't understand the
point of my having to remain on Earth when I
could make no contributions and had barely any
interactions with my family or other people. I
found myself whining, questioning, and begging
God. "Please, please, please, PLEASE let me come
home."
Bargaining with God,
I urged, "If I have to stay here, why can't you
cure me so I can do something?" Pleading with
God, I cried, "If you aren't going to cure me
outright, what if you let me be just well enough
to paint even just an hour a day? If I can't do
anything, why can't there be some way I can be
around people? I'M LONELY!"
Although I felt waves
of love wash over me constantly when I stopped
complaining long enough to remember my
experience, I never got the answers to my pleas.
At least not the answers I wanted.
After about a year I
prayed a new prayer from the sincerest depths of
my heart. Once again I relinquished my will and
efforts to direct my own life, as completely as
the night I gave up my hold on life and died. I
said to God, "My dear God, I give up. I do not
know what is right for me. I don't know what I
am supposed to do, who I am to see, or what I
should say. I don't even know what to think. I
am always requesting what I think would be best
for me. God, I don't know what is best for me.
My life is yours.
Whatever you want for
me is fine. If I am to lie here in this bed,
sick and disabled for the rest of my life,
whether it is twenty minutes or twenty years,
that's fine. Whatever happens is fine. I know
you love me." And then I added, "I make one
request, however. Please, if I am to live, let
me be useful in some way - for YOU."
 A
curious manifestation after my near-death
experience was that I began seeing a white glow
and glint of lights around people and objects.
Because I had had so many physical anomalies
during my illness, I assumed the "lights" were
another, optical side effect of the illness. I
was later shown that the lights were far more
than that.
As my health had
slowly improved, I occasionally drove myself
short distances to appointments. One day as I
was driving down a busy street, I stopped at a
red light and watched an odd scene unfold before
me. A delivery truck had parked on the right
side of the street about a half-block ahead. The
truck was one that opened from the sides rather
than the back. I watched as the driver walked
around to the traffic side of his truck and
began unloading his cargo with oncoming traffic
approaching. Inside my car, I said out loud in
my little southern voice, "Oh honey, you
shouldn't do that, it's dangerous."
On this notable day,
I watched, stunned, as the familiar dancing
lights around the delivery man swirled, quickly
coalescing into the form of a breath-taking,
translucent, beautiful woman-spirit, glowing
with light.
Perhaps it was
because I had sent a loving and concerned
thought about the delivery mans' well-being that
the spirit turned her loving gaze on me. For a
brief moment, our eyes met. She smiled at me,
then, hovering over the unsuspecting man,
returned her attention to her charge who was
oblivious to the heavenly presence and was
busily going about his business. I was
thunderstruck.
Barely breathing for
fear the vision would leave, and mesmerized by
the vision, I was reluctant to take my eyes off
the beauty of the scene; however, from my
peripheral vision, I became aware of even more
compelling lights. When I was able to tear
myself away from the spirit, I glanced slowly at
the vista around me and everywhere I looked,
every single person in my view had beautiful,
loving spirits attending them. People walking
nonchalantly down the sidewalk were accompanied
by spirits. From within cars, unfettered by
physical barriers, I could see the glow and form
of beings around the occupants. I saw joggers
with flutters of light streaking behind them as
their spirit kept pace. As people entered and
left buildings, light beings followed. The view
before me was filled with brilliant, white
light.
From the limited
understanding of my human mind, I struggled to
comprehend the meaning of what I saw. I knew the
lights were connected to the individual people,
although more of them, than with them, almost as
if they were an extension of their existence - a
light connection to an aspect of their Higher
Self. The lights, a connection to the humans,
which were glinting off the beings were so
bright and expansive, they interconnected,
forming a sort of light grid. I remembered
reports in books on the near-death experience of
people seeing grids on the other side that they
didn't know how to explain.
As I looked at the
network of light before me and felt the immense
outpouring of love coming from the beings, I
realized the connection of human beings to the
Beings of Light was through love and that the
love itself was connected through this grid.
 The
metaphor represented by the image I saw and
perceived was absolutely clear and I was
overwhelmed with the knowledge that WE ARE ALL
ONE. I comprehended that our oneness is
interconnected by love and is an available, much
higher level, and means of communication than we
normally use but to which we have access. This
love is available to anyone who is willing to do
the hard spiritual work that will allow us to
open our hearts and minds and eyes to Spirit. I
remembered the love I had felt in the presence
of God and experienced a total sense of love for
all existence as an interconnected oneness and a
manifestation of God.
Over and over this
single truth was being driven home to me. Only
God exists, God is everything. All that I gaze
upon is a representation of God; not the
physical mirage but rather, the shining
brilliance behind the mask.
I was startled back
to everyday awareness by the blasting of a horn.
I looked down at my speedometer and realized I
was barely creeping forward in the car. With
sheets of tears streaming down my face and all
but blind with emotion, I pulled to the side of
the road until I could take in all that I had
witnessed and regain my composure. I don't know
how long I sat, taking in the wonder of that
event but I couldn't move until the spectacular
vision slowly dissipated, returning to the more
familiar form of lights around the bodies of the
people I watched.
I was reluctant to
leave because I hoped the angels would return,
and I called them angels because I didn't know
what else to say. But when I gathered my senses
enough to drive, I made my way home. Anxious to
tell my husband, still, I wondered what he would
think. Would he think I was hallucinating,
getting sick again, or perhaps, even losing my
mind? Much to his credit, he listened with open
ears to my tale. In fact, after I told my story,
his response was, "Can you see anything around
me?" Looking deeply into the lights around him,
I discovered that by focusing on the glinting
lights, a form emerged, taking the appearance of
a beautiful spirit. When I described his spirit
attendant, he was thrilled.
Encouraged by Ed's response, I told my story to
my children and friends and they related the
information to their friends. That initiated the
sometimes timid and skeptical, but always
curious inquiries from the friends. They too,
asked if I would mind telling them if they had
beings around them.
Would I mind? It was
my joy to share the love I felt coming from the
exquisite inhabitants of a dimension where love
reigns. Eagerly, I shared with anyone who wanted
to know if they, too, had angels around them.
 Eventually, news of
my ability to see the angelic realm spread via a
newspaper article, television appearances,
college lectures and, most significantly,
word-of-mouth. Today, I devote my time to
readings, counseling and lectures. As I talked
to more and more people, I garnered new
insights. In the beginning I called what I saw
angels because I didn't have any other word to
explain what I saw. The beings were always
loving, luminous and had an other-worldly
presence and beauty. Curiously, as my ability to
discern spirits progressed, I began to see a
different type of spirit hovering around people,
and they compelled my attention. I felt
responsible to describe exactly what I saw and
only what I saw around the people who requested
a reading, even if their spirits did not look
like the stereotypical angel which they
expected.
For
instance: I once told a woman of an older man
with ears that stuck out, wearing little round
spectacles and with a goofy smile that revealed
teeth that had spaces between them. The woman
looked amazed and with tears in her eyes, she
said, "Oh, my gosh, I recognize him. That's my
uncle who was killed. I've always wondered if he
was okay." The spirit grinned and related
telepathically with me. I was able to let his
niece, whom he still loved, know that he was
fine and had been with this unsuspecting woman
all the time. The first time this sort of thing
happened, I was taken by surprise. Confused and
with a knot of apprehension in the pit of my
stomach, I thought, "Oh great, now I'm seeing
'dead' people!" If I had not had my near-death
experience, I might have thought I was going
crazy. But I did have a near-death experience. I
could now see angels, and evidently I could also
see the spirits of people who had died.
There is no death,
but I could report on the presences from the
other realms where spirits reside after leaving
their mortal existence. I also discovered I
could, on occasion, see the spirit form of
people who are still alive on the Earth realm. I
quickly resolved my apprehension about this
ability when I saw the happiness and comfort it
gave people to hear the encouraging stories of
love beyond the grave.
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