experience shattered my world. It shook me
into remembering spirit and other dimensions
of life, which I had known as a child but
had forgotten so that I could fit into
society. I feel the jerking of the ambulance
as it rushes me through the dark streets of
Marseille to the hospital. Twenty-four hours
have passed since my underground abortion
with a feuseuse d'anges, an "angel maker."
Abortion is illegal in France now, and many
women die because of the unsanitary
conditions of the procedure. I am only
twenty-four years old, a young nurse. Am I
dying? Am I outside myself observing? I see
my body and its pain. I look at my feet;
they are pale and lifeless. My legs cannot
move. My face is white and drawn.
I watch as the walls of the ambulance
dissolve. I see the lights of the city speed
toward me. I can see the stars! What am I
doing up so high? Why does everything look
so small all of a sudden?
Memories pass before my eyes as in a
Antonette momentarily returns to her body.]
I see family members at the foot of my
bed through a haze. Suddenly they disappear.
From where they stood I see faces rushing
toward me with incredible speed. They race
toward my face, expanding then dissolving.
Face after face washes over me! I am
terrified. I'm drifting. I'm unable to keep
my eyes open.
Who are these
people? Some I recognize as people I've
known who have died. Others I do not
"Stay away! Where
is my family?"
the whole room is filled with spirits! They
hover near me and look into my eyes. I try
to push them away. I fight them. The
experience seems to go on forever. These are
spirits who are restless. Their faces are
twisted with pain. They seem lost. It's
frightening to see them walking back and
forth around my bed. And now – spirits with
glowing faces come close to me. They reflect
a gentle and powerful light, reminding me of
the pictures of beautiful angels that I love
so much. I feel nurtured and loved by them,
and enveloped by their luminescence. These
beings are made of light, and even though
their brilliance is intense, I am not
blinded. Tremendous compassionate love
Now – I am filled
with the essence of love and compassion.
This magnetic power is filling every atom of
me. I have never before experienced such
depth and power of love. I am the power of
love! Merging into an intimate dance wherein
all boundaries have disappeared, I feel
myself one with these beings of compassion.
No words or sounds
are being exchanged, and yet communication
A strong presence
assures me, "Yes, you are dying to the world
of men. But to us you are being born. Do not
be afraid. You have always been with us; we
have always been with you. We know you. You
just fell asleep during your time on Earth
and forgot who you are. Now you are
my awareness – of course, yes! I am of the
Beings of Light and they are of me! What is
this new surge of energy? It begins as a
very gentle vibration rising through the
length of my body, from my feet to the top
of my head, but now my whole self is
vibrating. I hear buzzing. It is growing
louder, and now the vibration and the
buzzing are becoming one.
I feel such a
wonderful release! I'm free! I can't resist
this new and wonderful tide of energy
sweeping my body upward. Now I'm on the
hospital room ceiling gazing down!
Everything appears so small: I see my bed;
my body looks small and colorless; the
people around the bed are tiny. Overwhelming
grief and sorrow fill the room, and yet I
feel completely disconnected from the scene
below me. I hover nearer and look at the
strange form lying on the bed. I feel
compassion beyond words. I understand
everything, but I have no feeling of
attachment to anyone. I look at each person
standing at the bedside and feel tremendous
I want to say to
them, "I'm all right. You don't have to
worry. I'm all right. Look at me! I'm fine!"
I am love; I am
understanding; I am compassion!
My presence fills
the room. And now I feel my presence in
every room in the hospital. Even the tiniest
space in the hospital is filled with this
presence that is me. I sense myself beyond
the hospital, above the city, even
encompassing Earth. I am melting into the
universe. I am everywhere at once. I see
pulsing light everywhere. Such a loving
presence envelops me!
I hear a voice
say, "Life is a precious gift: to love, to
care, to share."
through my awareness: Why is there so much
pain in the world? Why are humans made of
different colors? Why with different creeds?
Why with different languages?
vision appears. I see our world from the
vantage point of a star, or another planet.
Earth appears as a sphere cut in half. The
surface of the planet is flat and colorless.
The ground is bare. No living plant grows
from the Earth. Tree branches are naked.
There are no fruits, no flowers, no leaves.
The barren hills are obscured behind a gray
veil. It is a passionless place where no one
rejoices at the sunrise, and no one knows
when night comes. Naked phantom-like people
stand on what seems to be a stage. All the
actors are puppets animated by an invisible
force. They move in unison and stop all at
On one side of
half of the sphere, a sun attempts to shine
upon the stage, but no one pays attention or
makes a sound. Even the birds in the dead
trees are silent and motionless. The other
side of the half sphere is in darkness. I
watch as the darkness grows with frightening
speed and covers the whole planet. No one
pays attention. Now the darkness covers the
sunlight, and now it covers all the bright
planets in the universe.
"This is the world
with the absence of light, love, and free
will," the voice states. "It is the people's
choices that created the world you have just
With these words,
the nightmarish world begins to dissolve and
is replaced by the other half of the planet
– a place of vibrant, breathtaking beauty. I
perceive how the Earth, the sun, the moon,
the darkness, the light, the planets, and
all forms of life – plants, rocks, animals,
people – are interconnected; they come from
the same source of light. Everything is
united by a transparent net, or web, and
each thread shines with great radiance.
Everything pulses with the same luminosity –
a magnificent light of unparalleled
"From the light we
have come, and to the light we all shall
return," continues the voice.
I realize now I
have been standing in the middle of the two
worlds. And with this understanding, an
image of the path I have been walking
appears. It is narrow and rocky; I have the
sensation of losing my balance. I grow
afraid of falling into the darkened planet.
Free will! With the remembering, I gaze at
my invisible feet. The narrow path changes
into a wide road. The darkness is replaced
forget." I hear the voice say.
Merging with the
light, I am so overcome with gratitude and
overwhelmed by the love that fills me that I
Suddenly, time and
space are different again, and I am
momentarily aware of my body.
I am aware that
the window to the left of my bed is filled
with vibrant, powerful light. It seems to be
calling me and pulling me toward it like a
magnet. I hear the buzzing again, and ...
Whoosh! I'm zooming through the window! I
merge with the light! I am the light, and
the light is me.
"From the light we
have come, and to the light we shall all
return," repeats the voice.
What a joy to
bathe in this incredible all-knowing,
I can travel
through walls, ceilings, and space at
amazing speed! I visit my son, Philippe, who
is only four.
A tremendous power
moves me. I am boundless, formless, no
longer controlled by my emotions. I am
everything. Everything is me!
I'm back in the
hospital room. A mist coming from the door
facing my bed attracts my attention. In the
middle of the vapor is a being with the most
heavenly smile. Jean Pierre! It is my
cousin, Jean Pierre! I am overwhelmed with
joy. As I gaze at Jean Pierre, the hospital
room disappears. We are suspended in midair.
There are no windows or doors, no ceiling or
ground. A brilliant radiance fills all
space. He slowly approaches my bed and bends
to kiss me. I feel the moisture of his lips
on my face, the weight of his body against
mine, the gentle touch of his hands on me.
Jean Pierre is the
brother I never had. After a long and
painful battle with lung cancer, he died two
years ago when he was only twenty-two. I am
still grieving his passing. How wonderful to
see him again! And what is this? He is
wearing his butterscotch jacket. This jacket
has been the subject of many discussions. He
loves it; I hate it.
"How did you know
I was here?"
My question is a
thought not yet put into words as Jean
Pierre answers, "We know everything about
you, and we welcome you."
Such a warm
feeling of peace! I am complete – whole! I
am free of pain and fear. There is no past
or future – everything is! There is no need
to speak to be understood or to communicate.
I feel serenity beyond anything I have ever
known. And joy of joys: I can fly! I swirl
easily and with great speed around my cousin
in a playful way, expressing the ultimate
joy that is me. Everything is the way it
should be. Never have I felt so clear, so
complete, so loved. I gaze at myself: I am
whole and healed! I can interact and play
with Jean Pierre with my natural vigor.
Familiar Beings of Light are here, too. I
immerse myself in their loving presence.
It's as if they are protecting me and
carrying me. We are all interconnected. I
relax into the timeless joy. What a glorious
feeling! I want to be here forever. Jean
Pierre is gazing at me now as the other
beings begin to depart. His dark eyes are
filled with great tenderness and purity. He
turns to leave with the others, and I plead
with him to take me with him. His eyes fill
"Not now," he
responds. "There is much, much work for you.
You have to go back and tell them. Life is a
precious gift. Each moment is filled with
great opportunities. Don't waste your time
on Earth. Spread love and understanding. We
will always be with you – guiding you,
protecting you, awaiting the time when we
will be reunited – when your work on Earth
I watch as Jean
Pierre dissolves into the same brilliant
light with which he had entered. The light
is fading away, too.
The room is empty
now. My grief is intense. I start to cry out
of desperation and loneliness.
Suddenly, I'm back
in the hospital in bed. I am fully aware of
my surroundings and my physical state of
being. Tubes are implanted in my body. The
pain is overwhelming. My sadness is intense.
I am so weak I cannot speak. I have lost my
voice, and the doctors are alarmed by the
tears which are using up the strength I need
to recuperate. Crying is all I want to do!
My body feels like a suit that is too tight;
the room is confining; the smell of sickness
surprises my senses; the human condition
back!" I recognize my sister's voice. I see
her careful gaze. "You've been in a coma for
three days. We didn't know if you were