Cree Dean's Suicide Near-Death Experience 

Just after turning 16, I attempted suicide by an overdose of antidepressants. I have suffered from depression since I was a small child, and was in a particularly bad living situation at the time. While lying in intensive care, I had a near-death experience. I haven't shared it with many people because I didn't think people would believe a near-death story that didn't include "the light" and didn't think it would be interesting either.

The first thing that I noticed was that I was in a very dark, expansive space and I couldn't see, smell, feel or hear anything. I thought, "Hmmm, I think I'm really dead" and wondered if I still had hands so I brought them up in front of my face to look at them. I couldn't see or feel them, but I sensed that they were still there in some form. I wondered if they were there because I "thought" they were or if we all still have hands after death. It was then that I panicked for a split second. I had read a little about typical NDEs, so I thought, "Where is the light and the tunnel?!?"

I forced myself to calm down and to have faith that I would be okay (I have always believed in a kind and loving God), and I was instantaneously given the answer (in knowledge, not words), "It will be there if you look." That was very reassuring. I began questioning what I had done. I knew that if I looked for the light and felt its love, I wouldn't have the strength to turn away and go back. So I decided to wait a bit and think.

I was focusing on what was directly around me and thinking about the effect my suicide would have on the people I love. The "air" then changed appearance slightly. It was still black, but with swirls of dark gray. I moved toward two female angels and began communicating with them. I could only see vague figures, and knew they were female more from their energy than from their appearance. They were radiating love, which seemed to be exactly what I needed. I gulped it like a thirsty animal in the desert who finally finds a water-hole. It felt like waves of love rushing into me, with each wave a little more intense than the last.

I re-experienced much of my life until that point, simultaneously experiencing what I had felt and done and what the people around me had felt. The experiences were not separate. I did not experience what I did and its effect, I felt them in unison. I remember particularly fights I had with my sister where I knew I was on the "right" side of the argument. Well, I found out that we were both wrong! Perhaps she started it, but I was the one who fought back. I judged and condemned myself for many things, but the whole time the angels kept on loving me (I can't imagine going through it without them). They let me feel guilt and remorse, but also helped me forgive myself and see each experience from a different perspective, the perspective of love and spiritual growth. They also gave me a temporary understanding of the concept of infinity, a subject I had always enjoyed contemplating.

At this point, they began trying to convince me to live my life. I knew that it would be my decision, but perhaps that's because they knew all along I would choose to live. They showed me exactly how damaging my suicide would be and how much pain it would cause others. Not only people who knew and cared for me, but strangers (for instance, the sister of my father's co-worker) who would hear my story and grieve. 

They told me that my suicide would only pass my pain along to others, and that the sum of pain would actually be greater. They also told me that I would eventually have to go back anyway, and live through all the traumas I had already been through. It would be a little easier the second time around since I had already learned some of my lessons in this life, but wouldn't it be better just to go back now and finish what I started? 

Having just had my life reviewed, I was pretty horrified at the thought of having to go through my childhood again and also at the thought of causing others so much pain, but I told them that I just felt so exhausted and needed to rest for a while. The angels understood completely, and I felt much love and sympathy from them. We discussed the "life plan" I had chosen, and I knew (again) that I had chosen a particularly difficult one for my current level of development. They were amused by my comment that I had been a little arrogant about what I could handle in one life. They assured me that others were involved in the decision and that I really was capable. They were like cheerleaders, encouraging me but loving me regardless of the outcome. They also told me that I was "over half way there," and I realized this was true, although I'm not exactly sure what that means anymore. That was the moment I chose life. 

I felt my heart begin to beat again and woke up to the sound of monitors and the sight of nurses rushing towards me. They asked if I was alright and I said yes. I think I must have only been gone for a few seconds, as the nurses hadn't even gotten to me before I was back (and they seemed to think the monitors had just been acting up). Although I never did see "the light", this experience has given me much strength and faith. I still suffer from bouts of extreme depression, but I am able to keep going because I truly know the consequences of suicide.

Cree Dean  nnyms@hotmail.com

* Some experiences were absent from my life review. For example, nose-picking incidences in my childhood, thank goodness!

Kevin Williams' reply:  Very, very interesting experience. First of all, it is true that not every NDE involves a tunnel or the light. I am sure there are many different paths to the same mountain. And this applies not just to the NDE but to life in general, I believe. Many paths, same God. Your reference to your spirit guides saying you are "over half way there" is, in my opinion, a reference to the physical realm (the universe) which is just one of many realms ("mansions", heavens, dimensions, levels) in the hierarchy of afterlife realms. I have seen enough circumstantial evidence in my NDE research to believe our universe is a realm situated somewhere in the middle of all the various afterlife realms. You might say because we dwell in this universe, we are "halfway to heaven." This would also explain why the world seems to be balanced somewhere between the higher forces of light and the lower forces of darkness. Of course, everything exists in the same space - just at different frequencies on the light spectrum.

'Your NDE reminds me of the NDE of Sandra Rogers who was given the same choice after her suicide attempt. She too chose to return to her body after discovering the alternative was reincarnation. Your NDE also highlights the main problem with people committing suicide. Its possibility to cause serious emotional damage to surviving family members and friends. This damage to surviving family and friends appears to be able to cause the one who caused the damage by taking their life to be "haunted" on the Other Side by the damage they have caused to their family and friends and why they want so much to seek forgiveness from them. This phenomenon of suicides being tormented by the damage to their families appears in NDE reports such as that of Dr. George Ritchie and many others. Let's be clear here. It is not the suicide itself that creates this condition. It is the tremendous damage to families. When such damage to a family occurs, Tibetan Buddhism and Roman Catholicism offers the best remedy that I am aware of. The best way to help a loved one on the Other Side who caused tremendous emotional damage to their family from their suicide is through group prayer. By gathering as many family members and friends of the suicide together, the group can pray and focus love, light and forgiveness on the loved one. According to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, such a prayer for the dead can actually lift them up to a higher realm all together. 

Unfortunately, not everyone believes it is possible to pray for the dead. Perhaps this is the real tragedy. All to often, a person becomes depressed and makes a hasty decision while not in their right mind to end their life (instead of seeking help from a doctor) and the result is a emotional damage for the family. By the way, for those of you who have never experienced having a family member commit suicide, it is not like a normal death in the family. Aside from the possible bloody mess involved and the trauma inflicted on the one who finds discovers it, often families are left wondering why their loved one chose death instead of life with them. And the hole that a suicide has the potential of creating in families is devastating and can never be filled. On top of this is the false religious myth which has existed for thousands of years about suicide as a ticket to hell and the false religious myth that prayers for the dead are ineffectual or satanic. 

So, it is not the suicide itself that is the problem. It is the affect it can possibly have on surviving family and friends.

Jesus allowed other people to kill him. Soldiers during World War II would fall on a grenade to save their buddies. Terminally ill people and people of advanced age often decide they don't want to waste their children's inheritance on hospitals and medical procedures to prolong their life for just a few more weeks. Instead, they may join a right-to-die organization such as End-Of-Life-Choices and learn how they can control their own life and death in a dignified, painless, and frugal way without cause tremendous emotional damage to surviving family and friends. According to Howard Storm's NDE, there will be a day when humanity has evolved to the point that people will be able to live on Earth forever if they desire. But, who would want to live forever in this physical realm when there are higher realms to visit. According to Storm, in the future, when a person decides they want to move on to higher pastures on the Other Side, they will be able to die whenever they choose.

"The "hell" that I experienced was the pain, anguish, hurt and anger that I had caused others, or that I suffered as a result of my actions/words to others. "Hell" was what I had created for myself and my own soul through turning my back on unconditional love, compassion and peace." - Tina, a near-death experiencer