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 Just
after turning 16, I attempted suicide by an overdose
of antidepressants. I have suffered from depression
since I was a small child, and was in a particularly
bad living situation at the time.
While lying in
intensive care, I had a near-death experience. I
haven't shared it with many people because I didn't
think people would believe a near-death story that
didn't include "the light" and didn't think it would
be interesting either.
The first thing that I
noticed was that I was in a very dark, expansive
space and I couldn't see, smell, feel or hear anything.
I thought, "Hmmm, I think I'm really dead" and wondered
if I still had hands so I brought them up in front
of my face to look at them. I couldn't see or feel
them, but I sensed that they were still there in
some form. I wondered if they were there because
I "thought" they were or if we all still have hands
after death. It was then that I panicked for a split
second. I had read a little about typical NDEs,
so I thought, "Where is the light and the tunnel?!?"
I forced myself to calm
down and to have faith that I would be okay (I have
always believed in a kind and loving God), and I
was instantaneously given the answer (in knowledge,
not words), "It will be there if you look." That
was very reassuring. I began questioning what I
had done. I knew that if I looked for the light
and felt its love, I wouldn't have the strength
to turn away and go back. So I decided to wait a
bit and think.
I was focusing on what
was directly around me and thinking about the effect
my suicide would have on the people I love. The
"air" then changed appearance slightly. It was still
black, but with swirls of dark gray. I moved toward
two female angels and began communicating with them.
I could only see vague figures, and knew they were
female more from their energy than from their appearance.
They were radiating love, which seemed to be exactly
what I needed. I gulped it like a thirsty animal
in the desert who finally finds a water hole. It
felt like waves of love rushing into me, with each
wave a little more intense than the last.
I re-experienced much
of my life until that point, simultaneously experiencing
what I had felt and done and what the people around
me had felt. The experiences were not separate.
I did not experience what I did and its effect,
I felt them in unison. I remember particularly fights
I had with my sister where I knew I was on the "right"
side of the argument. Well, I found out that we
were both wrong! Perhaps she started it, but I was
the one who fought back. I judged and condemned
myself for many things, but the whole time the angels
kept on loving me (I can't imagine going through
it without them). They let me feel guilt and remorse,
but also helped me forgive myself and see each experience
from a different perspective, the perspective of
love and spiritual growth. They also gave me a temporary
understanding of the concept of infinity, a subject
I had always enjoyed contemplating.
At this point, they began
trying to convince me to live my life. I knew that
it would be my decision, but perhaps that's because
they knew all along I would choose to live. They
showed me exactly how damaging my suicide would
be and how much pain it would cause others. Not
only people who knew and cared for me, but strangers
(for instance, the sister of my father's co-worker)
who would hear my story and grieve.
They told me that my suicide
would only pass my pain along to others, and that
the sum of pain would actually be greater. They
also told me that I would eventually have to go
back anyway, and live through all the traumas I
had already been through. It would be a little easier
the second time around since I had already learned
some of my lessons in this life, but wouldn't it
be better just to go back now and finish what I
started?
Having just had my life
reviewed, I was pretty horrified at the thought
of having to go through my childhood again and also
at the thought of causing others so much pain, but
I told them that I just felt so exhausted and needed
to rest for a while. The angels understood completely,
and I felt much love and sympathy from them. We
discussed the "life plan" I had chosen, and I knew
(again) that I had chosen a particularly difficult
one for my current level of development. They were
amused by my comment that I had been a little arrogant
about what I could handle in one life. They assured
me that others were involved in the decision and
that I really was capable. They were like cheerleaders,
encouraging me but loving me regardless of the outcome.
They also told me that I was "over half way there,"
and I realized this was true, although I'm not exactly
sure what that means anymore. That was the moment
I chose life.
I felt my heart begin
to beat again and woke up to the sound of monitors
and the sight of nurses rushing towards me. They
asked if I was alright and I said yes. I think I
must have only been gone for a few seconds, as the
nurses hadn't even gotten to me before I was back
(and they seemed to think the monitors had just
been acting up). Although I never did see "the light",
this experience has given me much strength and faith.
I still suffer from bouts of extreme depression,
but I am able to keep going because I truly know
the consequences of suicide.
Cree Dean
nnyms@hotmail.com
* Some experiences were
absent from my life review. For example, nose-picking
incidences in my childhood, thank goodness!
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 Kevin
Williams' reply:
Very, very interesting experience. First of all,
it is true that not every NDE involves a tunnel
or the light. I am sure there are many different
paths to the same mountain. And this applies not
just to the NDE but to life in general, I believe. Many
paths, same God. Your reference to your spirit guides
saying you are "over half way there" is, in my opinion,
a reference to the physical realm (the universe)
which is just one of
many realms ("mansions", heavens, dimensions,
levels) in the hierarchy of afterlife realms. I
have seen enough circumstantial evidence in my NDE
research to believe our universe is a realm situated
somewhere in the middle of all the various afterlife
realms. You might say because we dwell in this universe,
we are "halfway to heaven." This would also explain
why the world seems to be balanced somewhere between
the higher forces of light and the lower forces
of darkness. Of course, everything exists in the
same space - just at different frequencies on the
light spectrum.
Your NDE reminds me
of the NDE of
Sandra Rogers who was given the same choice
after her suicide attempt. She too chose to return
to her body after discovering the alternative was
reincarnation. Your NDE also highlights the
main problem with people committing suicide: it causes serious emotional damage to
surviving family members and friends. This damage
to surviving family and friends appears to be able
to cause the one who caused the damage by taking
their life to be "haunted"
on the Other Side and why the suicide wants so
much to seek forgiveness from them. This phenomenon
of suicides being tormented by the damage to their
families appears in NDE reports such as that of
Dr. George Ritchie. When such
damage to a family occurs, Tibetan Buddhism and
Roman Catholicism offers the best remedy that I
am aware of. The best way to help a loved one on
the Other Side who caused such tremendous emotional damage
to their family is through group
prayer. By gathering as many family members and
friends of the suicide together, the group can pray
and focus love, light and forgiveness on the loved
one. According to the
Tibetan Book of the Dead, such a prayer for
the dead can lift the suicide to a higher realm
all together.
Unfortunately, not everyone
believes it is possible to pray for the dead. Perhaps
this is the real tragedy. All to often, a person
becomes depressed and makes a hasty decision while
not in their right mind to end their life (instead
of seeking help from a doctor) and the result is
a emotional damage for the family. By the way, for
those of you who have never experienced having a
family member commit suicide, it is not like a normal
death in the family. Aside from the possible bloody
mess involved, and the trauma inflicted on the one
who finds discovers it, often families are left
wondering why their loved one chose death instead
of life with them. And the hole that a suicide has
the potential of creating in families is devastating
and can never be filled. On top of this is the false
religious myth which has existed for thousands of
years about suicide as a ticket to eternal
damnation and the
false religious myth that prayers for the dead are
ineffectual or satanic. So praying for the
person on the other side who has committed
suicide is absolutely critical to help them
progress further and to give them reassurance.
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