Jokes About the Afterlife
I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandpa
did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like
the passengers in his car.
I go to heaven, I want to see my Grandpa
again. But he better have lost the nose
hair and that old-man smell.
sure will be glad when scientists discover
a cure for Natural Causes.
you die, if you get a choice between regular
heaven or pie heaven, chose pie heaven.
It may be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmm
you go flying back through time and you
see somebody else flying forward into the
future, it's probably best to avoid eye
you ever reach total enlightenment while
you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer
shoot out your nose.
God dwells inside us, like some people say,
I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because
that's what He's getting!
just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do
Before You Die". I was pretty surprised
that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
believe you should live each day as if it
is your last, which is why I don't have
any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of
young brother asked me what happens after
we die. I told him we get buried under a
bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth
-- that most of us go to hell and burn eternally
-- but I didn't want to upset him.
a kid asks where rain comes from, I think
a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did."
hope, when they die, cartoon characters
have to answer for their sins.
guess the hard thing for a lot of people
to accept is why God would allow me to go
running through their yards, yelling and
you ever get caught sleeping on the job...
slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus
tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
But we can't scoff at them personally, to
their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive
set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail
and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him... a super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
wise man can pick up a grain of sand and
envision a whole universe. But the stupid
man will just lay down on some seaweed and
roll around until he's completely draped
in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey,
I'm Vine Man."
the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito
sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
you're ever giving a speech, when you start
out, act nervous and get mixed up a little
bit. Then, as you go along, get better and
better. Then, at the end, give off a white,
glowing light and have rays shoot out of
bet the main reason the police keep people
away from a plane crash is they don't want
anybody walking in and lying down in the
crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up,
act like they just woke up and go, "What
should tell Forrest Gump that on the back
of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly
what you're going to get.
I was a doctor operating on a patient and
he died on me, and his spirit was hovering
above his own body looking down on it, I
would take out a $100 bill, flash it at
the spirit and then stuff it in the hand
of the dead body. This would coax the spirit
to return to his body. If that didn't work,
I'd put the body's hand on the breast of
a nurse. That ought to do it. In any case,
I'd take the $100 bill back before he woke
Lying in a hospital bed, a dying man began
to flail about and make motions as if he
would like to speak. The priest, keeping
watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly
over and asked, "Do you have something you
would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative and the
priest handed him a pad and pen.
The priest said, "I know you can't speak,
but write a note and I will give it to your
wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the
man scrawled his message on the pad and
stuffed it into the priest's hands.
Moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the
priest left to break the sad news to the
wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest
handed her the note.
"Here are your husband's last words. He
wrote them just for you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which
read: "Get off of my oxygen hose!!"
Three men died and were taken by God to
the top of a cliff. God said to them that
since they had been such great outstanding
citizens of Earth, they would be given one
chance to become anything they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff
and jumped into the air shouting, "I want
to be an eagle." Instantly he was changed
into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the cliff
and jumped into the air shouting, "I want
to be a falcon." Instantly he was changed
into a falcon and soared off into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of the
cliff, tripped on a rock and shouted, "Oh
A man died and went to the gates of heaven
where he met Saint Peter. Peter said to
him, "I have looked at your Book of Life
and you are welcome into heaven under one
The man replied, "Yes, Saint Peter. And
what is that condition?"
Peter said to the man, "You must spell the
So the man spelled the word, "L - O - V
- E" then Peter admitted him into
As the man walks in, Peter tells the man
to watch the gate until he returns. Peter
had something to discuss with the Lord.
Peter reminds the man that he must ask whoever
comes to the gate, to spell the word.
After a short period of time, the man's
wife shows up at the gate.
"What are YOU doing here?" he demands of
"Well," she said, "on the way home from
your funeral, there was an accident and
The man told her, "Alright, but before you
enter heaven you must be able to spell a
"What word is that?" she asked.
"Czechoslovakia," he said.
After a preacher died and went to heaven,
he noticed a New York cab driver had been
awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God.
"I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
God explained to him, "Our policy here in
heaven is to reward results. Now, was your
congregation well attuned to you whenever
you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some
in the congregation fell asleep from time
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode
in this man's taxi, they not only stayed
wake, they even prayed."
A priest died and went to heaven. There,
he is greeted by a reception committee.
After having a whirlwind tour of heaven,
he is told he can enjoy any of heaven's
The priest decided he wanted to read all
of the ancient original texts of the Holy
Scriptures to understand their true literary
meaning. So he first learned all the languages
necessary to accomplish this: Hebrew, Aramaic,
Greek and Latin. After becoming a linguistic
master, he went to the heavenly Temple of
Knowledge and began to scrutinize the original
All of a sudden, the priest could be heard
crying out loud in the Temple. Angels quickly
came to help him, only to find the priest
huddled in a corner, crying and muttering
to himself, "An 'R'! They left out an 'R'."
One of the angels comforted the priest and
asked him what the problem was. After collecting
his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the
letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to
As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived at the gates
of heaven, she looked for her husband who
had died several years before.
"Excuse me," she said, approaching Saint
Peter, "but I'm looking for my husband.
I wonder if you can help me."
"What is his name?" Peter asked.
"Harry ... Harry Jones," she replied.
Peter stroked his chin, then said, "There
are many souls here who have that name.
What else can you tell me about him?"
Blurting out the first thing that came to
her mind, she said, "Well, the last thing
he said before he died was that if I were
ever unfaithful to him, he would turn in
"Ah!" Peter replied, "you're looking for
Three men died in a car accident and met
Saint Peter in heaven. Peter told them,
"I will ask you each a simple question.
If you tell the truth you will enter heaven.
But if you lie, hell is waiting for you."
To the first man, Peter asked, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife?"
He replied, "I was a good husband. I never
cheated on my wife."
Peter replied, "Very good! Not only
will I allow you in, but for being faithful
to your wife, I will give you a huge mansion
and a limo for your transportation."
To the second man, God asked, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife?"
He replied, "I cheated on my wife twice."
Peter replied, "I will allow you to come
in. But for your unfaithfulness, you will
only get a four-bedroom house and a BMW."
To the third man, Peter asked, "So, how
many times did you cheat on your wife?"
He replied, "I cheated on my wife about
Peter replied, "I will allow you to come
in. But for your unfaithfulness, you will
get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for
A couple of hours later, the second and
third men saw the first man crying his eyes
"Why are you crying?" they asked. "You got
the mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because
I saw my wife a little while ago riding
Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted
them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but
your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they
are, I can send you back to Earth to be
whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to
be a famous movie star!"
"No problem," replied God. "Poof." The guy
"And what do you want to be," God asked
the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool STUD!!!" was his
"Easy," replied God. "Poof." The guy was
After a few months, their mansions were
finished and God sent an angel to fetch
them back. "You'll find them easily," God
told the angel, "One of them is in Hollywood
and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere
Ted Bundy, the notorious serial killer,
died and was greeted by Saint Peter. Peter
told Bundy he must choose between three
The first hell is very hot and Bundy saw
a lot of people burning in fire. The next
hell is freezing cold and he saw people
shivering and clamoring. In the third hell,
Bundy saw people standing in crap up to
their waist but they looked quite happy.
They were drinking a cup of coffee and were
chatting with each other. So Bundy told
Saint Peter, "I choose the third hell where
all the people are standing in crap up to
So Peter admitted him to the third hell.
Bundy then got a cup of coffee and felt
quite comfortable. Suddenly, he heard a
voice from a loud speaker saying, "Attention.
Attention. Coffee break is over. It's time
to stand on your head now."
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were very big
baseball fans. They attended every game
they could; and spent their entire adult
lives discussing baseball history. During
the winter months, they analyzed every box
score made during the baseball season. They
even agreed that whoever died first, they
would try to come back and tell the other
if there was baseball in heaven.
One night, Bob passed away in his sleep.
A few nights later, his buddy, Earl, awoke
to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course, it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed.
"So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad
news for you. Which do you want to hear
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there
is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly
be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Three buddies died in a car and went to
heaven for an orientation. They are asked,
"When you were in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would
you have liked them to say about you?"
The first guy said, "I would have liked
to hear them say, 'I was a great doctor
of my time, and a great family man.'"
The second guy said, "I would have liked
to hear them say, 'I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference
in many children's lives.'"
The last guy said, "I would liked to hear
them say, ‘Look, he's moving!'"
Forest Gump had
a near-death experience which changed his
life forever. He decided to go horseback
riding one day. Everything was going fine
until the horse started bouncing out of
control. Gump tried with all his might to
hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things
could not possibly get any worse, his foot
became caught in the stirrup. When this
happened, he landed head-first to the ground.
His head continued to bounce harder as the
horse would not stop or even slow down.
Just as he was giving up hope and losing
consciousness ... a thoughtful K-Mart manager
came out and pulled the plug.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died
and went to heaven. Forest meets Saint Peter
at the gates of heaven.
Peter told him, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly
good to see you. We have heard a lot about
you. I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast, and we've been administering
an entrance exam to everyone. The tests
are fairly short, but you need to pass it
before you can enter heaven."
Forest replied, "It's sure good to be here.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever
told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope
the exam ain't too hard. Life was a big
Peter said, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But,
the test I have has only three questions.
Here's the first one: What days of the week
begin with the letter T? The second question
is: how many seconds are there in a year?
The third question is: what is God's first
Forrest then went away to think the questions
over. He then returns the next day to give
Peter the answers.
Peter asked him, "Now that you have had
a chance to think the questions over, tell
me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one, how
many days of the week begin with the letter
T? Shucks, that an easy one. There are two
days of the week beginning with T: 'today'
Peter is amazed and told Forest, "That's
not the answer I was looking for, but ...
you do have a point though; and I guess
I wasn't specific enough. So, I'll give
you credit for that answer. How about the
next one? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," Forrest told Peter.
"But, I thunk and thunk about it, and I
guess the only answer can be twelve."
Peter replied, "Twelve? Forrest, how did
you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there gotta be
twelve seconds in a year: January second,
February second, March second ..."
Peter interrupted him and said, "Hold on,
Forest. I see where you're going with this.
I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's
go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Well, sure, I know God's
first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard? What makes you think God's name
is Howard?" asked Peter.
Forrest answered, "I pray to Howard all
the time. Our Father, who art in heaven,
Howard be thy name ..."
Three knuckleheads died in a car accident
and appeared before the pearly gates. Saint
Peter addressed the first one, "Before you
are allowed to enter heaven you must answer
this question. What can you tell me about
The first knucklehead looked puzzled for
a moment then said, "Oh, I know. That's
the holiday in the Fall when you stuff your
face with on turkey and watch football games
"Wrong!" replied Peter as the first knucklehead
disappeared in a puff of smoke. Peter then
turned to the second knucklehead and asked
him, "What can you tell me about
"Isn't that the holiday in December when
you get gifts to people and decorate a dead
"Wrong!" replied Peter as the second knucklehead
disappeared in a puff of smoke. Peter then
turned to the third knucklehead who was
trembling with fear. Peter asked him, "What
can you tell me about Easter?"
The last knucklehead replied, "Well that's
the holiday that occurs in early Spring.
It begins on the day Jesus was hung on a
cross between two criminals and was made
to wear a crown of thorns. He died and they
buried him in a cave. Then they rolled a
big rock over cave's entrance to seal it.
Then on the third day, the cave was opened
and Jesus rose from the dead. So, every
year, if Jesus pops his head out of the
grave that year it means six more weeks
A highly successful business woman was tragically
hit by a bus and killed. She arrived in
heaven where she was met by Saint Peter.
"Welcome to heaven," Peter told the her.
"However, it appears we have a problem.
Strangely enough, we've never had such a
highly successful business executive get
this far. And we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, Peter, just let me in." she
Peter then informed her, "What we're going
to do is let you spend a day in heaven and
a day in hell. Then you can choose where
you want to spend an eternity."
So Peter directed her to the heavenly elevator.
Then the elevator took her down, down, down,
to hell. When the doors opened, she was
astounded as she stepped out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the
distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow
executives she had worked with. They were
all dressed to play golf and began cheering
for her. They all ran up to her, kissed
her on both cheeks and then talked about
old times. They then played an excellent
round of golf. At night, they went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent
steak and lobster dinner. She also met the
Devil whom, she thought, was actually a
really nice guy (kinda cute too.) She and
her friends had a great time telling jokes
and dancing. She was having so much of a
good time that, before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
Then the elevator took her back up to Saint
Peter who was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
he said. So, she spent her time lounging
around on a cloud, playing the harp and
singing, "Kum ba yah." After a while, she
was so bored, she fell asleep. And before
she knew it, her day in heaven was over
and Peter went to get her.
"So," Peter told her, "You've spent a day
in hell and a day in heaven. Now you must
choose your eternity."
The woman replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this - I mean - heaven is really
great and all; but I think I had a better
time in hell."
So Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down to hell. When the doors
opened this time, she found herself standing
in vast wasteland filled with rotten garbage.
She saw her friends, who were dressed in
rags, picking up garbage and putting it
in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put
his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman,
"Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf
course and a country club and we ate lobster
and danced and had a great time. Now, all
I see is a wasteland of garbage and all
my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her, smiled and said,
"Yesterday, we were recruiting you for a
job. Today, you're staff."
Three men died, but before God would let
them into heaven, God gave them a chance
to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said, "I want to come back
as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God
made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, "I want to be better
than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."
So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best.
So he said, "God, make me better than both
of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."
So God made him a woman.
While a preacher was giving a Sunday sermon,
all of a sudden, there was a cloud burst.
Before the sermon was over, one full hour
of complete non-stop rain fell. Everyone
began to evacuate when the whole church
started flooding. However, the preacher
just stood his ground and remained in the
church in the ankle-deep water.
A man in a car drove by and shouted through
the church doors, "Preacher, you better
get out of there before you drown!"
The preacher replied, "Don't worry. God
will save me." So the man drove away.
When the water was knee-deep, a man in a
raft floated over to the church and yelled
to the preacher, "You better get in here
before you drown!" Despite this second warning
the preacher stood his ground and replied,
"Don't worry. God will save me." So the
man rowed away.
The water was now waist-deep and a man in
a power boat came to the preacher and said,
"You better get out of there before you
drown!" Despite this third warning, the
preacher stood his ground and replied, "Don't
worry. God will save me." So the man
The water was now over the preacher's head,
so he climbed on the roof of the church.
A man in a helicopter flew near and yelled
to the preacher, "You better get out of
there before you drown!" But the preacher
stood his ground and replied, "Don't worry.
God will save me." With that the helicopter
The water then became so deep that it covered
the entire church and drowned him.
When the preacher appeared before God, he
asked Him, "Oh, God! Why didn't you
save me from that horrible flood?"
God replied, "I sent you a car, a raft,
a power boat, and a helicopter! What
else do you want from me?"
A man died and arrived at the pearly gates.
The Lord himself came out to greet him.
The man asked the Lord about the nature
of heaven and hell, to which the Lord
replied, "Come, I will show you hell."
Together they entered a large room where
a group of people sat around a huge pot
of stew. Everyone there in hell was starving
and desperate. Each person held a spoon
that could reach the pot; but each spoon
had a handle that was too long, making it
impossible to feed themselves. So, the suffering
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the
They then entered another large room which
was identical to the first: the pot of stew,
a group of people around it, and the same
long-handled spoons. But there everyone
was happy and well-feed.
"I don't understand," the man said. "Why
are these people happy and well-feed when
the people in hell were so miserable?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he
replied. "Here in heaven they have learned
to feed each other."
Once upon a time,
a circus came to town where some blind religious
leaders lived. In the circus was an Elephant,
the most powerful and majestic of all creatures.
The blind leaders decided to go to the circus
to discover what the Elephant was like for
themselves. It would be the first time they
ventured from their high places of worship,
so some circus clowns came and led them.
The first blind man, a Hindu guru, touched
the Elephant's eye and said, "The Elephant
is very much like the third eye chakra which
must be opened for enlightenment."
The second blind man, a Buddhist monk,
touched the Elephant's ear and said, "No
one can deny that the Elephant is very much
like the sutra of palm leaves sown together
on which the words of the Buddha were written."
The third blind man, a Jewish rabbi,
approached the Elephant and felt its broad
and sturdy side. "I tell you the truth."
he said. "The Elephant is very much like
the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem!"
fourth blind man, a Gnostic theologian,
felt the Elephant's trunk. "No" he said.
"The Elephant is very much like the snake
of Wisdom in the Garden of Eden."
The fifth blind man, a Catholic priest,
reached out and touched the Elephant's tail.
"Not at all!," he said. "The Elephant is
very much like the string of the rosary."
The sixth blind man, a Protestant minister,
approached the Elephant and felt its tusk.
"Why can't any one of you understand," he
said, "the Elephant is very much like the
spear that punctured the chest of Jesus
on the cross."
The seventh blind
man, a Muslim cleric, reached out and felt
the Elephant's leg. "Not so!" he said. "The
Elephant is very much like the date palm
tree that Allah establishes in a sincere
The eighth blind man, a Philosophy
of Atheism professor, approached the Elephant
but couldn't find it with his hands. "You
are all wrong," he said. "There is no Elephant
here at all."
Then the religious
leaders began to quarrel fiercely amongst
themselves until a fist fight broke out.
Then a sideshow freak interceded and explained
to them why they disagreed with each other.
All of the religious leaders were partly
correct; but because none of them could
see the Elephant in its entirety, they were
all incorrect. If only they could see how
immense the Elephant actually was, their
differences would disappear, and they would
be in agreement about the Elephant. Then
they could live forever in peace and harmony.