Jokes About the Afterlife
Compiled by
Kevin Williams |
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♦ When
I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandpa
did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like
the passengers in his car. |
♦ When
I go to heaven, I want to see my Grandpa
again. But he better have lost the nose
hair and that old-man smell. |
♦ I
sure will be glad when scientists discover
a cure for Natural Causes. |
♦ When
you die, if you get a choice between regular
heaven or pie heaven, chose pie heaven.
It may be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmm
boy. |
♦ If
you go flying back through time and you
see somebody else flying forward into the
future, it's probably best to avoid eye
contact. |
♦ If
you ever reach total enlightenment while
you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer
shoot out your nose. |
♦ If
God dwells inside us, like some people say,
I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because
that's what He's getting! |
♦ I
just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do
Before You Die". I was pretty surprised
that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them. |
♦ I
believe you should live each day as if it
is your last, which is why I don't have
any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of
their life?
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♦ My
young brother asked me what happens after
we die. I told him we get buried under a
bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth
-- that most of us go to hell and burn eternally
-- but I didn't want to upset him.
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♦ If
a kid asks where rain comes from, I think
a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did."
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♦ I
hope, when they die, cartoon characters
have to answer for their sins. |
♦ I
guess the hard thing for a lot of people
to accept is why God would allow me to go
running through their yards, yelling and
spinning around.
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♦ If
you ever get caught sleeping on the job...
slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus
name, amen." |
♦ We
tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
But we can't scoff at them personally, to
their faces, and this is what annoys me. |
♦ Mahatma
Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive
set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail
and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him... a super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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♦ The
wise man can pick up a grain of sand and
envision a whole universe. But the stupid
man will just lay down on some seaweed and
roll around until he's completely draped
in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey,
I'm Vine Man."
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♦ Probably
the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito
sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend. |
♦ If
you're ever giving a speech, when you start
out, act nervous and get mixed up a little
bit. Then, as you go along, get better and
better. Then, at the end, give off a white,
glowing light and have rays shoot out of
you.
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♦ I
bet the main reason the police keep people
away from a plane crash is they don't want
anybody walking in and lying down in the
crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up,
act like they just woke up and go, "What
was THAT?!"
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♦ Somebody
should tell Forrest Gump that on the back
of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly
what you're going to get. |
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Lying in a hospital bed, a dying man began
to flail about and make motions as if he
would like to speak. The priest, keeping
watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly
over and asked, "Do you have something you
would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative and the
priest handed him a pad and pen.
The priest said, "I know you can't speak,
but write a note and I will give it to your
wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the
man scrawled his message on the pad and
stuffed it into the priest's hands.
Moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the
priest left to break the sad news to the
wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest
handed her the note.
"Here are your husband's last words. He
wrote them just for you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which
read: "Get off of my oxygen hose!!"
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Three men died and were taken by God to
the top of a cliff. God said to them that
since they had been such great outstanding
citizens of Earth, they would be given one
chance to become anything they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff
and jumped into the air shouting, "I want
to be an eagle." Instantly he was changed
into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the cliff
and jumped into the air shouting, "I want
to be a falcon." Instantly he was changed
into a falcon and soared off into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of the
cliff, tripped on a rock and shouted, "Oh
crap."
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A man died and went to the gates of heaven
where he met Saint Peter. Peter said to
him, "I have looked at your Book of Life
and you are welcome into heaven under one
condition."
The man replied, "Yes, Saint Peter. And
what is that condition?"
Peter said to the man, "You must spell the
word: love."
So the man spelled the word, "L - O - V
- E" then Peter admitted him into
heaven.
As the man walks in, Peter tells the man
to watch the gate until he returns. Peter
had something to discuss with the Lord.
Peter reminds the man that he must ask whoever
comes to the gate, to spell the word.
After a short period of time, the man's
wife shows up at the gate.
"What are YOU doing here?" he demands of
her.
"Well," she said, "on the way home from
your funeral, there was an accident and
I died."
The man told her, "Alright, but before you
enter heaven you must be able to spell a
word."
"What word is that?" she asked.
"Czechoslovakia," he said.
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After a preacher died and went to heaven,
he noticed a New York cab driver had been
awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God.
"I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
God explained to him, "Our policy here in
heaven is to reward results. Now, was your
congregation well attuned to you whenever
you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some
in the congregation fell asleep from time
to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode
in this man's taxi, they not only stayed
wake, they even prayed."
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As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived at the gates
of heaven, she looked for her husband who
had died several years before.
"Excuse me," she said, approaching Saint
Peter, "but I'm looking for my husband.
I wonder if you can help me."
"What is his name?" Peter asked.
"Harry ... Harry Jones," she replied.
Peter stroked his chin, then said, "There
are many souls here who have that name.
What else can you tell me about him?"
Blurting out the first thing that came to
her mind, she said, "Well, the last thing
he said before he died was that if I were
ever unfaithful to him, he would turn in
his grave."
"Ah!" Peter replied, "you're looking for
Pin-Wheel Harry!"
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Three men died in a car accident and met
Saint Peter in heaven. Peter told them,
"I will ask you each a simple question.
If you tell the truth you will enter heaven.
But if you lie, hell is waiting for you."
To the first man, Peter asked, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife?"
He replied, "I was a good husband. I never
cheated on my wife."
Peter replied, "Very good! Not only
will I allow you in, but for being faithful
to your wife, I will give you a huge mansion
and a limo for your transportation."
To the second man, God asked, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife?"
He replied, "I cheated on my wife twice."
Peter replied, "I will allow you to come
in. But for your unfaithfulness, you will
only get a four-bedroom house and a BMW."
To the third man, Peter asked, "So, how
many times did you cheat on your wife?"
He replied, "I cheated on my wife about
eight times."
Peter replied, "I will allow you to come
in. But for your unfaithfulness, you will
get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for
your transportation."
A couple of hours later, the second and
third men saw the first man crying his eyes
out.
"Why are you crying?" they asked. "You got
the mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because
I saw my wife a little while ago riding
a skateboard!"
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Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted
them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but
your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they
are, I can send you back to Earth to be
whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to
be a famous movie star!"
"No problem," replied God. "Poof." The guy
was gone.
"And what do you want to be," God asked
the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool STUD!!!" was his
reply.
"Easy," replied God. "Poof." The guy was
gone.
After a few months, their mansions were
finished and God sent an angel to fetch
them back. "You'll find them easily," God
told the angel, "One of them is in Hollywood
and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere
in Detroit!"
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Ted Bundy, the notorious serial killer,
died and was greeted by Saint Peter. Peter
told Bundy he must choose between three
hells.
The first hell is very hot and Bundy saw
a lot of people burning in fire. The next
hell is freezing cold and he saw people
shivering and clamoring. In the third hell,
Bundy saw people standing in crap up to
their waist but they looked quite happy.
They were drinking a cup of coffee and were
chatting with each other. So Bundy told
Saint Peter, "I choose the third hell where
all the people are standing in crap up to
their waist."
So Peter admitted him to the third hell.
Bundy then got a cup of coffee and felt
quite comfortable. Suddenly, he heard a
voice from a loud speaker saying, "Attention.
Attention. Coffee break is over. It's time
to stand on your head now."
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Three buddies died in a car and went to
heaven for an orientation. They are asked,
"When you were in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would
you have liked them to say about you?"
The first guy said, "I would have liked
to hear them say, 'I was a great doctor
of my time, and a great family man.'"
The second guy said, "I would have liked
to hear them say, 'I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference
in many children's lives.'"
The last guy said, "I would liked to hear
them say, ‘Look, he's moving!'"
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Forest Gump had
a near-death experience which changed his
life forever. He decided to go horseback
riding one day. Everything was going fine
until the horse started bouncing out of
control. Gump tried with all his might to
hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things
could not possibly get any worse, his foot
became caught in the stirrup. When this
happened, he landed head-first to the ground.
His head continued to bounce harder as the
horse would not stop or even slow down.
Just as he was giving up hope and losing
consciousness ... a thoughtful K-Mart manager
came out and pulled the plug.
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The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died
and went to heaven. Forest meets Saint Peter
at the gates of heaven.
Peter told him, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly
good to see you. We have heard a lot about
you. I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast, and we've been administering
an entrance exam to everyone. The tests
are fairly short, but you need to pass it
before you can enter heaven."
Forest replied, "It's sure good to be here.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever
told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope
the exam ain't too hard. Life was a big
enough test."
Peter said, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But,
the test I have has only three questions.
Here's the first one: What days of the week
begin with the letter T? The second question
is: how many seconds are there in a year?
The third question is: what is God's first
name?"
Forrest then went away to think the questions
over. He then returns the next day to give
Peter the answers.
Peter asked him, "Now that you have had
a chance to think the questions over, tell
me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one, how
many days of the week begin with the letter
T? Shucks, that an easy one. There are two
days of the week beginning with T: 'today'
and 'tomorrow.'"
Peter is amazed and told Forest, "That's
not the answer I was looking for, but ...
you do have a point though; and I guess
I wasn't specific enough. So, I'll give
you credit for that answer. How about the
next one? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," Forrest told Peter.
"But, I thunk and thunk about it, and I
guess the only answer can be twelve."
Peter replied, "Twelve? Forrest, how did
you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there gotta be
twelve seconds in a year: January second,
February second, March second ..."
Peter interrupted him and said, "Hold on,
Forest. I see where you're going with this.
I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's
go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Well, sure, I know God's
first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard? What makes you think God's name
is Howard?" asked Peter.
Forrest answered, "I pray to Howard all
the time. Our Father, who art in heaven,
Howard be thy name ..."
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Three knuckleheads died in a car accident
and appeared before the pearly gates. Saint
Peter addressed the first one, "Before you
are allowed to enter heaven you must answer
this question. What can you tell me about
Easter?"
The first knucklehead looked puzzled for
a moment then said, "Oh, I know. That's
the holiday in the Fall when you stuff your
face with on turkey and watch football games
all day."
"Wrong!" replied Peter as the first knucklehead
disappeared in a puff of smoke. Peter then
turned to the second knucklehead and asked
him, "What can you tell me about
Easter?"
"Isn't that the holiday in December when
you get gifts to people and decorate a dead
tree?"
"Wrong!" replied Peter as the second knucklehead
disappeared in a puff of smoke. Peter then
turned to the third knucklehead who was
trembling with fear. Peter asked him, "What
can you tell me about Easter?"
The last knucklehead replied, "Well that's
the holiday that occurs in early Spring.
It begins on the day Jesus was hung on a
cross between two criminals and was made
to wear a crown of thorns. He died and they
buried him in a cave. Then they rolled a
big rock over cave's entrance to seal it.
Then on the third day, the cave was opened
and Jesus rose from the dead. So, every
year, if Jesus pops his head out of the
grave that year it means six more weeks
of winter."
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While a preacher was giving a Sunday sermon,
all of a sudden, there was a cloud burst.
Before the sermon was over, one full hour
of complete non-stop rain fell. Everyone
began to evacuate when the whole church
started flooding. However, the preacher
just stood his ground and remained in the
church in the ankle-deep water.
A man in a car drove by and shouted through
the church doors, "Preacher, you better
get out of there before you drown!"
The preacher replied, "Don't worry. God
will save me." So the man drove away.
When the water was knee-deep, a man in a
raft floated over to the church and yelled
to the preacher, "You better get in here
before you drown!" Despite this second warning
the preacher stood his ground and replied,
"Don't worry. God will save me." So the
man rowed away.
The water was now waist-deep and a man in
a power boat came to the preacher and said,
"You better get out of there before you
drown!" Despite this third warning, the
preacher stood his ground and replied, "Don't
worry. God will save me." So the man
jetted away.
The water was now over the preacher's head,
so he climbed on the roof of the church.
A man in a helicopter flew near and yelled
to the preacher, "You better get out of
there before you drown!" But the preacher
stood his ground and replied, "Don't worry.
God will save me." With that the helicopter
flew away.
The water then became so deep that it covered
the entire church and drowned him.
When the preacher appeared before God, he
asked Him, "Oh, God! Why didn't you
save me from that horrible flood?"
God replied, "I sent you a car, a raft,
a power boat, and a helicopter! What
else do you want from me?"
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A man died and arrived at the pearly gates.
The Lord himself came out to greet him.
The man asked the Lord about the nature
of heaven and hell, to which the Lord
replied, "Come, I will show you hell."
Together they entered a large room where
a group of people sat around a huge pot
of stew. Everyone there in hell was starving
and desperate. Each person held a spoon
that could reach the pot; but each spoon
had a handle that was too long, making it
impossible to feed themselves. So, the suffering
was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the
Lord said.
They then entered another large room which
was identical to the first: the pot of stew,
a group of people around it, and the same
long-handled spoons. But there everyone
was happy and well-feed.
"I don't understand," the man said. "Why
are these people happy and well-feed when
the people in hell were so miserable?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he
replied. "Here in heaven they have learned
to feed each other."
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Once upon a time,
a circus came to town where some blind religious
leaders lived. In the circus was an Elephant,
the most powerful and majestic of all creatures.
The blind leaders decided to go to the circus
to discover what the Elephant was like for
themselves. It would be the first time they
ventured from their high places of worship,
so some circus clowns came and led them.
The first blind man, a Hindu guru, touched
the Elephant's eye and said, "The Elephant
is very much like the third eye chakra which
must be opened for enlightenment."
The second blind man, a Buddhist monk,
touched the Elephant's ear and said, "No
one can deny that the Elephant is very much
like the sutra of palm leaves sown together
on which the words of the Buddha were written."
The third blind man, a Jewish rabbi,
approached the Elephant and felt its broad
and sturdy side. "I tell you the truth."
he said. "The Elephant is very much like
the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem!"
The
fourth blind man, a Gnostic theologian,
felt the Elephant's trunk. "No" he said.
"The Elephant is very much like the snake
of Wisdom in the Garden of Eden."
The fifth blind man, a Catholic priest,
reached out and touched the Elephant's tail.
"Not at all!," he said. "The Elephant is
very much like the string of the rosary."
The sixth blind man, a Protestant minister,
approached the Elephant and felt its tusk.
"Why can't any one of you understand," he
said, "the Elephant is very much like the
spear that punctured the chest of Jesus
on the cross."
The seventh blind
man, a Muslim cleric, reached out and felt
the Elephant's leg. "Not so!" he said. "The
Elephant is very much like the date palm
tree that Allah establishes in a sincere
heart."
The eighth blind man, a Philosophy
of Atheism professor, approached the Elephant
but couldn't find it with both hands. "You
are all wrong," he said. "There is no Elephant
here at all."
Then the religious
leaders began to quarrel fiercely amongst
themselves until a fist fight broke out.
Then a sideshow freak interceded and explained
to them why they disagreed with each other.
All of the religious leaders were partly
correct; but because none of them could
see the Elephant in its entirety, they were
all incorrect. If only they could see how
immense the Elephant actually was, their
differences would disappear, and they would
be in agreement about the Elephant. Then
they could live forever in peace and harmony.
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